“What you resist persists.” – Carl Jung
Said in other ways: What you avoid persists; what you fail to learn persists; what remains hidden in your subconscious persists; what trauma traps in your body persists. And very often, we actively invite or create what we most hope to avoid in our lives.
Pogo creator Walt Kelly wrote a parody line that seems apropos – “We have met the enemy and he is us.” While it is true that there are societal and economic obstacles that get in the way of personal improvement, there are also myriad internal obstacles that hold us back. Some are easily changed. Others require layer after layer of courage, honesty, and effort to peel away and release.
All improvement begins with insight. If you don’t see a problem, there is no problem and therefore, no need for improvement. Experts will break insight down into specific categories and steps of recognition leading to action. I’ll keep it simple. Can you realistically connect your action/inaction/decisions/attitude/behavior to the results they are bringing to your life?
We all have a self-protective tendency that allows us to live in denial, sometimes for years. Admitting our flaws and failures can be difficult and painful. It can feel threatening to our self-esteem. And then there’s shame. What do we do with that? As difficult as it may be to level with ourselves, it’s imperative if we want to maximize our potential.
So how do we gain insight?
Get curious! Ask:
- What’s that nagging thought I keep pushing away? Often, we have an internal knowing we choose to ignore. Sometimes we may even make a great effort to ignore it. If that’s the case, stop those efforts and see what happens.
- What do I keep accusing my partner of? You may have heard, “every accusation is a confession.” There’s some truth to that. Take each accusation and flip it. Are you talking about them or you (or both)?
- What will happen if I really lean into what I’m feeling? One way to gain insight is to change something. If you avoid certain feelings, plunge right in and explore them for as long as you can stand it. Your tolerance will grow with practice.
- What do I feel in my body? Following what’s happening in our bodies often results in insight. It can also free us from recurring trauma responses. Somatic experiencing therapy uses this process.
- What will I have to change if I gain a piece of self-knowledge? We often remain in a familiar rut because in some convoluted way, it feels positive. Will we have to admit we’re acting just like the parent we swore we’d never act like? Will we lose some of the attention we’re currently getting? Will we have to apologize to a lot of people? Will we lose victim status?
It is true that knowledge may mean we will no longer be able to tolerate our current path. That’s good news! It puts us at an ideal point from which to implement change.
And more good news is that your path for improvement can be whatever you wish it to be. You can be your own hero instead of your own enemy. Get out there, be brave, and get a new cape!
Your best life is calling! Do not resist.
Curiosity would be a good theme for the year. It’s a choice that could lead me to watch documentary movies, spend time learning programming on Codecademy, attend lectures, try an escape room game, join a meetup group, try online dating, or read science fiction. It would also be a chance to step back and get curious rather than angry in any confrontational interaction.
Peace is a good theme for any year. For me, it usually begins with being mindful of spending my time with people who exude calm and kindness. It also means making a choice to curb my impatience when communicating with tech support and customer service reps.
Comfort sounds like a possibility. If I choose it, I’ll be mindful each day when I get dressed to choose fabrics that feel good on my skin, shoes that do not hurt my feet (no matter how cute they are), and waistbands that allow me to breathe. I’ll sleep on sheets that feel good. I’ll eat food that doesn’t hurt my tummy. I’ll choose furniture that fits me well.
Stillness is one of my favorites. Being able to sit still did not come easy to me, but has given me some of the biggest improvements in quality of life. Stillness can include a practice of meditation or yoga or can just be simply turning off the TV, computer, or phone, and spending time with yourself. 
After some thought, I think my theme for 2016 will be boundaries. It’s an oldie, but a goody. Good boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and give me a guilt-free space in which to say, “no”. Lots of things remind me to be conscious of my boundaries: fences, curbs, ropes, hula hoops, parking spaces, walls, cubicles, carrels, plates, placemats, elevators, swimming pools, basketball courts, tennis courts, porch rails, squares, circles, and doors. Lucky for me, the reminders are everywhere.