Emotional Support – in thriver words

Failing Up

Failing up is sometimes viewed as bad. We think of a coworker who gets a job they’re not ready for or an actor getting parts they don’t deserve. But sometimes, an author gets a book published because a manuscript is rejected so many times they’re motivated to revise, revise, and revise until it’s not.

Young Asian man sitting at desk in front of window with left hand on his forehead looking at phone in his right hand. He looks frustrated.

We all fail. Athletes know it. Teachers know it. Parents know it. Chefs know it. Failure is not a failure. It is part of every success. We can let it be a stumbling block or one of the most useful tools we have.

In other words, failing isn’t a choice. We will sometimes make the best choice we know how and still fail. When we do, it’s the next choice that matters.

If it were easy to make the best choice after every failure, there’d be no need for this post. It isn’t always easy. It can be especially difficult if you’re a perfectionist, the situation causes you embarrassment, or you feel you’ve let someone down.

To use failing up as a constructive tool requires getting past your emotional response. This is where many of us get stuck. And not just stuck for a minute. Sometimes growth may be interrupted for years.

I have a friend who repeats a pattern that goes something like this: A friend or colleague does something he views as wrong. He tells them in some manner – sometimes directly, sometimes through condescension he doesn’t know he’s exhibiting, sometimes through an unspoken expectation that the perceived perpetrator will admit they’re wrong. He doesn’t get the response or result he wants. He responds to this by using a ton of time and energy puzzling over what HE did wrong. Somehow, he turns things around to himself.

The interesting thing is, he still feels the perceived perpetrator is wrong. He’s still angry with them. He still wants them to apologize or admit they’re wrong. It seems that turning the scenario around and around in his head, puzzling, and making himself wrong doesn’t result in insight. It just makes him miserable and keeps him stuck.

It’s not unusual to have patterns of behavior that don’t serve us well. In my experience, there are a couple of things required to get past ruminating without progress. One is to trust your body and practice Somatic Experiencing. Turning your process to observing what’s happening in your body can lead to insight you’d never otherwise gain. This is especially helpful for those who have experienced trauma. https://traumahealing.org/se-101/

The second is to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion sits under anger. Your mind may be spinning in neutral because it’s not ready to believe and accept some reality you feel a need to deny. Or you may subconsciously know you will be releasing a flood of sadness, loss, grief, humiliation, vulnerability, or other emotion you don’t feel equipped to handle.

Instead of ruminating, you can use your time to feel a moment or two of sadness. Sit with it. Move away from it as needed. Come back and sit with it again. As you build tolerance, you diminish the fear that keeps you stuck. Think of it as desensitization or exposure therapy.

Talk therapy may not be the best form of help because the temptation will be to regurgitate the conversation you’re having in your head, but there are therapists who offer tools and approaches to make this process faster and easier. It is okay to ask for help.

Once we aren’t being controlled by our emotional response, or avoidance of it, we can begin to explore the lessons a particular failure is presenting. Ask yourself:

Is there something I did well?
How can I build on that next time?
What did I learn about myself?
Is this something I can accept?
Is there something about myself I hope to improve?
How would I improve it?
How would improving it help in a similar situation?
How did I feel during the process?
How do I want to feel when I encounter a similar situation?
Did I respond within my values?
Can I solve a problem I failed to solve this time?
If it is not solvable, what’s the best way to deal with it?
Was I missing information?
Where and how can I fill in my knowledge gap?
What is the takeaway and what can I do better next time?

Think of it like your golf game. Exploring these questions will give you a sense of control and mastery that you would not gain from only hitting at the driving range. You need the terrain of the golf course, the variations in grass, the sand traps, the water hazards, and the long putts to improve your overall game. Every bad putt teaches you how to putt better next time.

Since we all fail, it’s critical to view failure as an opportunity to grow rather than as a stumbling block. Learning from failure is what allows us to fail up.

Turn Down The Volume

When a nine-year-old says things are hard, as one did to me recently, things must be hard. CDC statics show an increase in prevalence of depression from 2013 – 2023 with a steep rise since 2020. A majority of people I know refuse to watch the news because it makes them feel anxious.

While it’s normal for life to be hard, ignorance can only be bliss for a limited amount of time. We need to find a way to both deal with the inevitable blows of life and live calm, peaceful, balanced lives.

I suppose the question is, how do you thrive when it feels like you’re being bombarded all the time?

My take is different from the trend of cutting off people you disagree with, avoiding new or conflicting information, and finding some place to entrench yourself and holding on while things change around you. We all know that the longest standing trees bend in the wind.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have principles that you stand by. Principles are grounding.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have boundaries. Boundaries are critical for holding space for yourself and your values.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t factor in moments of escape from everyday reality.

What I will posit is that we can get huge benefit from doing one thing. And if we all do it, the culture will become more tolerant and easier to tolerate.

What is that one thing? Turn down the volume.

Let’s start with the literal. I walked into a quiet room the other day and immediately felt my shoulders relax. Whether it’s news, sports, reality TV, or scripted shows, things have been pumped to a volume that is constantly screaming. And muddy sound sometimes means the volume has to be higher to hear some frequencies.

This can be combatted by getting headsets and lowering the volume, lowering the volume on every device, sending the kids in the other room, and even, radically, turning off all the devices.

Then there’s the more figurative. You turn down the volume when you stop engaging with rage bait on social media, stop watching competition TV, turn off cop shows that have a high volume of gunfire. Seriously, try this for a week and see if you begin each day in a more relaxed place.

We’ve become so inured by the fevered pitch of our environment we sometimes don’t recognize how ramped up we’ve become. But our bodies still feel it. Our amygdala prepares for battle. Cortisol levels rise. And few have enough time for mindfulness practices like yoga to fully counter the effects. Naturally, we feel anxious!

If you think I’m exaggerating about the current environment and its effects, take a minute to read the thumbnail headlines following a YouTube search for news. You’ll quickly learn that someone or something is a bombshell, falling apart, losing it, doomed, torched, unravelling, over, panicking, brutal, major, alarming, in shambles, or devastating! Every noun, verb, and adverb is superlative, heightened, and over the top.

We live in a world of competition for clicks. Everything is extreme!

Normalizing extreme language and behavior contributes to anxiety. Feeling caught in the bombardment and helpless to change it contributes to depression.

While it is true that there are many things we cannot control, we can calm our environment by controlling things we can.

Kids ramping up the bad behavior to get your attention? Stop and give them 10 minutes.

Read before bed instead of watching TV.

Change your viewing habits.

Turn down the volume when you use a device.

Create device free blocks of time.

Go outside and look, listen, smell and observe.

Dim the lights or use warm white lightbulbs rather than blue ones.

Knit, crochet, needlepoint, sew, collage, color, paint, or just doodle.

Replace unnecessary catastrophic language with situationally appropriate words.

Discuss appropriate levels of response with your children. Dropping ice cream doesn’t warrant the same level of response as a broken arm. Model this for them as well.

Once you lower the volume and reduce the noise that’s currently bombarding you, your tolerance for many things will increase. You may find you can tolerate family that has differing opinions because you’re not beginning from a braced position. You may accomplish more because your brain can focus more easily on the task at hand instead of expending energy to tune out distraction.

You may find you feel like you can do things that previously seemed overwhelming. And that’s a great place from which to implement all the improvement plans you haven’t been able to face.

And just imagine what would happen if we all turned down the volume at the same time. That’s the calm baseline I’d like underpinning every interaction.

When you feel yourself start to spin, turn down the volume. Give it a minute and start fresh. Sometimes that is all it takes to make a huge difference in your day.

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db527.htm#section_1

Keep The Bar Low

Some years take the wind out of your sails; that’s a good time to keep the bar low. Before I sold my first business, there were years that were difficult. In order to keep putting one foot in front of the other, I learned to keep the bar low.

Man in blue track gear arching back over pole.

At this time of transition from one year to another, it’s common to make resolutions or set intentions or goals. If 2025 has brought challenges, this may be a good time to lower the bar for your 2026 intentions.

When your route takes you uphill, through mud, or over big rocks, your pace slows. Expending more energy and effort may not bring you back to the pace you maintained in less challenging terrain. This doesn’t raise alarms because we understand the universal implications.

On the other hand, we sometimes believe that we should produce, function, and socialize at an arbitrarily high rate each year. We focus on this notion as we wind down one year and begin planning for the next.

We tend to look at the first of the year as though it will automatically be the day we wake up feeling energized after a great night’s sleep. Why would this be true? The earth doesn’t know the calendar changed. Your body doesn’t know the calendar changed. The new beginning we expect is generated from hope and wishful thinking.

There’s nothing wrong with a reset. Taking stock and making adjustments on an ongoing basis is useful. The problem is that instead of making this a regular practice, we procrastinate, avoid, ignore, or excuse ourselves most of the year and then attach paramount importance to improving in the next year. In this, we set ourselves up for failure or disappointment.

It is better to have goals that are attainable with regular small steps than ones we toss after a month of exhaustive attempts. Or as it is commonly expressed, the best workout is the one you’ll do.

Determining what you will do requires honest assessment, insight, and self-acceptance as well as an understanding that emotionally processing some things requires great energy. If we are making space for such processing, it’s okay to schedule additional time for meditating, yoga, swimming, and staring into space.

Some may even need to make time for binge watching. As you build tolerance for sitting with difficult memories, emotions, or triggers, you may need a numbing activity that follows. Binge watching can fit that bill. It’s safer than drinking or drugs, and it allows the mind to wander. It can also be cathartic or informative when shows are carefully chosen.

If 2025 brought lots of adjustments, growth, or hardship, 2026 may be a good year to lower the bar for goals and intentions.

Here are things I’m considering:

Fold bed sheets in the same direction each time.
Order out at least once a week.
Eat more popcorn.
Do more Sudoku.
Figure out Pinterest.
Delete 500 photos from my phone.
Take more naps.

These may sound like less than ambitious goals to you, but may be just what I need to keep me moving forward. No need to compare my list with anyone else’s or previous goals of my own. Some years it’s best to keep the bar low. That can make all the difference over the long haul.

Mindfulness Intentions for the New Year

12 Powerful Resolutions You Should Make Every Year

Generosity

How do you view generosity? I’ve worked with nonprofits for years. Each has a unique culture and way of treating donors. They also have different scales for measuring the value of donations. We each have a similar internal scale.

Some of us associate generosity with monetary gifts. Others value material gifts like cars, toys, furniture, or computers. Tangible gifts and money to pay for them are obvious contributions. But there are other signs of generosity that are often overlooked.

Elederly woman in Santa hat leaning over child wearing chef's had and holding a tray of gingerbread men. Christmas decorations in background.

There’s the teacher that stays up late preparing individualized help for struggling students. There’s the mom that makes homemade treats that even the allergic in the class can have.

There’s the child who always throws trash in a bin, recycles cans, or picks up toys without being asked. There’s the grandmother who reads books to you and the grandfather who gives the best hugs. There’s the uncle who teaches you how to use a table saw or aunt who shows you how to do a back handspring.

These acts of generosity show care for others. They can also be given by someone who lacks monetary means or material possessions.

Other acts of generosity include teaching someone to cook, garden, or sew; tutoring an adult who cannot read; fostering a pet; organizing a party or dinner; hosting a holiday; and giving someone a ride. A neighbor hasn’t been able to drive for a couple of months. Another one is driving her to and fro. This is a generous gift of time.

Generosity of thoughtfulness is another often overlooked kindness. It’s one thing to give a generic obligatory gift. It’s another to listen carefully, observe closely, and choose an appropriate offering. The giver may not always get it right, but their investment in the attempt is still valuable.

Listening is a gift in and of itself – sometimes, the most important one. Beyond food, water, and shelter, listening can provide a sense of security, belonging, companionship, understanding, and love. Without those, material gifts are meaningless. Active listening is a valuable gift that we may fail to appreciate in the moment.

A culture focused on money as the measure of success and greatness can lose sight of the value of intangible things. When this happens, integrity, character, honesty, law abidance, and trustworthiness are more easily compromised. Anyone who pays close attention will see that money doesn’t buy internal peace, happiness, or contentment.

If you are generous with your time, energy, commitment, kindness, attention, and concern, but do not have the means to make monetary contributions, your efforts may seem unappreciated. This happens in families and organizations. It’s unfortunate.

It’s also easily remedied. Keep a watchful eye as you gather with friends, co-workers, colleagues, and family during the holidays. Then take a moment to acknowledge generosity that often goes overlooked. Let someone know you noticed their effort to prepare your favorite dessert, play your favorite Christmas music, or listen to you drone on about your grandkids. That’s all it takes.

It can feel uncomfortable for someone to notice the best of us. But isn’t that what we really desire – to be fully seen and appreciated as our best selves? Doesn’t allowing that recognition fill our hearts more than someone appreciating our holiday decorations?

Perhaps in the new year, we can all listen more, acknowledge and appreciate more, and grant more grace. So many of us are currently struggling. Being generous with our time, focus, energy, and kindness is something positive each of us can afford to contribute.