Tomato tomato – when I type it you can’t hear tomato tomahto. Same with aunt aunt or either either or neither neither. And when I use jk or ftw in a text, it can be easily misconstrued. (As can that b I end up typing instead of a period at the end of LOTS of texts without realizing it before I hit send. No, I didn’t call you a b! I swear, I didn’t – even though you have it in writing.) Communication these days may be faster, but it’s not necessarily more clear.
The truth is, I can often understand the raise of a two-year-old’s
eyebrow above a mask more clearly than I can comprehend the intent of a tweet
or the meaning of some texts. Sometimes even essays and news stories leave me
Context helps. If I know the sender, my initial response
will be tempered by our previous interactions. Length helps. The more full the exposition,
the greater the chance I’ll grasp an idea in its entirety. Precise word selection
helps. But tomato or tomahto, I’m going to rely on my experience to interpret
what you attempt to communicate.
As a listener, I can try to gain a greater understanding by
putting myself in your shoes. But there’s a limit in that my experience and
yours may be similar, but they will never be the same. If I overstep and insert
too much of myself, I may miss your point entirely.
So, there will be misunderstandings. So what?
It’s true. There will always be misinterpretation,
miscommunication, and misunderstanding. We can’t eliminate them entirely. But
an attempt to grasp as much of another’s experience as possible accomplishes
many positive things that contribute to thriving.
As we become better listeners, we find more common ground. I
don’t think there’s any question we need to rediscover our common ground these
Feeling heard and accepted is easier when we share common
ground. And those feelings make me more likely to hear and cooperate with you.
Experiencing your acceptance of me makes me more likely to
accept and empathize with you.
We continue to live through a pandemic that’s pulling us
further and further into opposing camps. It’s also highlighting systemic
problems that need to be fixed.
Every day, we face choices that can have the effect of improving
the future or tearing it down. What we do matters. It has an effect. We may not
feel we can change the world, but we can certainly change someone’s day. And
each person we touch will affect many others.
Sometimes, we may feel we must fight to defend our position.
Fighting can contribute to the improvement of society. But we must be clear on
our values, see our flaws realistically, and be able to envision the long-term
effect of the battle we’re fighting. Knowing which battles to choose and how to
wage them requires opening our minds and our hearts, listening carefully, gaining
insight, and exercising courage.
Condemning, othering, labeling, dismissing, and jumping to
conclusions based on today’s hurried, abbreviated communication is dangerous
territory. Appallingly, I see some form of those every day.
As a culture, we’re precariously balanced. A fight over the pronunciation of tomato will not move us forward.
Putting in the effort to communicate well and consciously consider the effect of our words can help us thrive.
Even if you believe it threatens your cat, curiosity is empowering. Actually, take it from a cat. Have you ever seen a cat that trusts your judgment more than its own?
Curiosity leads to greater knowledge.
Knowledge is powerful. Curiosity doesn’t have to lead you so
deeply into a single field that you become an expert for it to be beneficial.
Perhaps you become an expert generalist. In the process you
may recognize that you have learned the key to marketing to many diverse groups.
That’s a valuable skill for every industry.
General knowledge can also equip you to understand the broad
effects of policy or the interplay between multiple groups affected by urban
planning. You don’t have to know how to wire a motor to understand the
importance of the power it provides.
Curiosity can calm a restless mind.
My mind processes many things in rapid succession. It’s like
free association in there all day long every day. That makes it tempting to be
out of my chair more than I should be. But give me a computer problem, and I
will sit for hours trying to puzzle through a diagnosis without realizing how
much time has passed.
I’m so curious, I wind up in a concentration zone. And usually,
I’m successful at piecing together a solution.
One way to gain power over restless thoughts is to get
curious about a problem that needs to be solved. The time spent exploring,
learning, and turning around the options will serve to focus your attention and
calm the mind.
Curiosity can improve relationships.
Showing genuine interest in another’s life, interests, and
feelings can build closeness and trust.
In the midst of an angry or hurtful exchange, becoming
curious can give perspective and improve empathy. When you become curious rather
than getting sucked into rage, frustration, or sadness, new insights may emerge
that help you process the moment in a healthier, more productive way.
Knowing you can move in and out of a situation by using
curiosity is a great tool and a powerful feeling.
Curiosity can help you forgive.
If you look back at the worst thing you’ve ever thought, done, or felt from a point of curiosity, it is easier to feel empathy for yourself. A shift happens when you ask, “I wonder why” rather than “how could I have?”
Wondering why is an exploration that can lead to insight.
How could I have is an exploration that leads to blame. It’s a tiny shift in
semantics and attitude, but it can have a tremendously positive effect, making
it easier to forgive yourself. Once you’ve done that, it’s easier to forgive
Curiosity trumps denial.
Everyone lives in denial at some point. It rarely serves any
of us well.
If you are ill, becoming curious about your diagnosis can
help you forge a path that fits your priorities. Remaining in denial will leave
you at the mercy of others’ recommendations and decisions.
If you remain in toxic relationships while denying that they’re
toxic, you will never find resolution or improvement. Becoming curious about
what you can do to help the situation can lead to behavioral changes that
either help the situation or clarify that it should end.
When you feel you’re becoming overly stressed, using curiosity to determine how to reduce stressors can improve the quality of each day. It seems ironic that we have a tendency to run from problems rather than face them and ask, hmmm, I wonder why I feel that way; I wonder why that bothers me so much; I wonder how he feels when I say ______? Why avoid when just a tiny bit of curiosity can feel so empowering?
With so many benefits, I can’t think of a reason not to be curious!
The past year has been, and continues to be, emotionally
exhausting so how do you know if you’re experiencing poor mental health or a
normal response? It’s difficult to watch the news any given day without hearing
a story about increasing occurrences of poor mental health. Often, the slant of
the story is geared to support a particular policy objective.
I find this rhetoric dangerous and unhelpful. It increases
the chance that we will begin to catastrophize normal responses that are, in
fact, temporary and healthy. This is especially true if we are already isolated
and lacking support. And it’s hard to dismiss worry about our mental health
when we’re bombarded by emotionally taxing events one after the other: pandemic,
insurrection, natural disasters, infrastructure failures, police shootings, and
We know we feel different. Many of us have never been through
an extended period of disruption and trauma. If an expert appears in front of
us and says these feelings reflect poor mental health, we’re going to believe
them. The reality is much more nuanced. and nuance is not the forte of news
reporting or social media.
Most of us cling to the idea that if we can just get back to
normal, we’ll feel relieved and joyful. But an ongoing experience of trauma is
not that easy to shake. Knowing this can help alleviate excessive worry about
our state of mental health.
One thing that can provide perspective is to view the
effects of trauma as wounds. Think of them like a sprained ankle or a broken
bone. If you sprain your ankle, you expect it to swell, bruise, hurt, and
prevent you from walking normally for a significant period of time. In order
for it to heal, you understand and accept that you’ll have to do things differently
This doesn’t usually mean you’ll be crippled for life or
never be able to wear those cute heels again. It just means that it is normal
and reasonable to change your daily routine to facilitate healing.
If viewing an emotional wound as a physical wound doesn’t
work for you, try thinking of a friend who is grieving. Would you be alarmed if
they get choked up at unexpected times or don’t have the emotional energy to
hang out? No, you’d understand that they feel sadness and loss and need time to
work through that before they’re ready for fun and frivolity. And, most likely,
you’d understand that their capacity for joy may be temporarily hidden beneath a
flood of tears.
The point of all of this is to remind you that certain “negative”
emotional states can be a normal and reasonable response to circumstances
beyond our control. They are not problematic or signs of poor mental health
unless they become chronic, or we use poor techniques for dealing with them.
For example, depression is a normal response to change. Think of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, DEPRESSION, acceptance. Depression is an expected, normal phase that represents great progress through the process. But watch the news and you’ll think any amount of depression is a reason for desperation.
The quicker we become aware, acknowledge, and allow ourselves to feel so-called negative emotions, the quicker we can release them and return to a positive state of equilibrium. It is more difficult to do this if we view such states as catastrophic or as signs there is something wrong with us. All of us want to avoid feeling that we’re defective.
We’d often rather hide our distress than acknowledge it. And
there may good reason for that. Expressions of vulnerability can make the
receiver of the message also feel vulnerable. To avoid that feeling, they may
turn away from us when we share our deepest feelings.
If you’ve ever experienced this, you’ll be less likely to attempt to share again. This cycle can result in a significant lack of support for those who are experiencing trauma and attempting to express its effects. And unfortunately, the research of Dr. Brené Brown has indicated that most of us are not comfortable in a vulnerable space.
That means many of us will find that we must be our own best
advocates in the arena of mental health. So where do we start? In any moment
that I am struggling, I like to first examine what is going well for me before
deciding what needs adjustment. This helps give me perspective when determining
what I need to do next.
The easiest way to do this is to view myself as a close friend, then ask myself a series of questions: Am I sleeping well and on a regular schedule? Am I keeping my environment clean and uncluttered at the level I would when I feel I am functioning well? Am I eating regularly? Am I making reasonable food choices? Am I making time to move on a regular basis – walk, run, swim, lift weights, row, do yoga, bike, etc? Has my alcohol consumption increased? Do I rely on medication more than I did before? Am I doing too much? Am I able to feel or am I numb? Am I making forward progress at work? Am I able to be alone and feel content? Am I able to connect with at least one person?
If my answers to those questions wouldn’t concern me if they were a friend’s answers, I let go of the idea that I am suffering poor mental health and address anything that may need to change from the point of view of thriving. If I’m not sure, I reach out to someone I trust to help me gain insight.
Mind you, I’m not suggesting that anyone avoid professional
help. In fact, I’d encourage you to seek the advice of a professional in lieu
of assuming you fit some profile you saw online. My purpose here is simply an attempt
to provide a path to find balance to the rhetoric that has become increasingly pervasive
I can’t determine whether you are responding normally,
adaptively, problematically, or in the best possible way given a particular set
of circumstances. But I know it’s always worth believing in yourself and asking
questions before accepting someone else’s take.
If you feel pain over something, that pain is real. If you
feel sad about something, that sadness is real. If you feel angry, it is a
signal that you feel a need to protect yourself. Accepting that these feelings
may be normal and not an indication of anything other than a response to the
circumstances in which you find yourself, can be a great start toward thriving.
In this cultural moment when we are all experiencing trauma
and there is the cancel culture tendency to only accept a narrow range of
beliefs and behavior, it is important to step back, take a moment, and give
ourselves permission to feel how we feel even if it’s out of step with the
majority. If you are an introvert and enjoy being able to work from home, it’s
okay to relish in it just as it’s okay to feel sad about the loss of breakroom chats.
Trust yourself. Trust your process. Just because the world is falling apart doesn’t mean you are. Give yourself some time and space to learn whether you’re experiencing poor mental health or a normal response to a difficult circumstance.
Just like this pandemic year, many diagnoses come with uncertainty. Truthfully, they all do. Getting comfortable with not knowing can help lead to the healthiest path for dealing with the coming months or a disconcerting diagnosis.
The contrasts of this year seem especially sharp as
Christmas 2020 approaches. The middle road we often cruise has given way to
distinct divisions between comfort and danger. And it feels disconcerting
because many of the holiday traditions in which we usually find comfort are not
currently safe. The pandemic has brought uncertainty we cannot avoid. Too much
has changed too fast.
Under normal conditions, many of us shove uncertainty aside.
We believe we know what each day will hold. We focus on that and tune out
things we don’t expect or don’t want to deal with. We know that there will be
minor mishaps – spills that stain a favorite blouse, flat tires, computer
malfunctions, etc. We limit our expectations to those and move forward. That
works great until an unavoidable life-altering event presents itself.
Big events often mean big decisions. It’s so much easier to
make a decision if the outcome is immediate and known. But that’s not really
how it works in most life-altering situations. Every choice is a gamble.
So how can we stay grounded and trust ourselves to make good enough choices?
It’s important to note that good enough choices aren’t
always perfect choices. We can move toward health by making informed, if
imperfect, choices. When we feel confident in our choices, we lessen the fear
and anxiety created by uncertainty.
Fear triggers the urge to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn or
hey, if things are really bad, all four! Just recognizing this can lessen the
impact of the feelings when they arise. And there are ways to help calm your
lower brain so that you can move in and out of fear deliberately and
Here are a few techniques to try:
Grounding – plant your feet firmly on the floor and press as if you’re getting ready for the starting gun of a race. If you still need to calm down, look around the room (leave your feet planted) and count all of the red you see, then green, then black, etc. You can continue by looking for shapes.
Tapping – Memorize a simple sequence of tapping. When you feel distress coming on, tap the sequence until you feel better.
Feeling your body – gently squeeze your arms noting how the skin feels and how the muscles feel beneath your arms. Continue with your legs or feet. Sometimes resting one hand on your chest just below your throat can feel calming. Feeling your body will help bring you into the present moment instead of getting lost in a panic of “what if”.
Breathing – stand in mountain pose and breathe. What I love about this pose is that you can do it anywhere without inviting the stares that downward dog would bring. If you’re at home, try alternate nostril breathing.
Once you develop successful methods to calm yourself, you will
be ready to explore leaning into the feeling of fear. What works best for me is
to allow myself to feel scared and to stay in that feeling as long as I can
stand it. Having done this many times, I know that there will be a point at
which things will shift and I will no longer feel afraid. If I can’t stick with
it that long, I let it go for the moment knowing I can move in and out of fear
I don’t try to figure anything out or make any decisions
when I’m leaning into fear. I just feel it and observe how my body responds. I
trust that things will seem more clear once I’ve worked through some of the
fear. When dealt with directly and immediately (or deliberately over a
relatively short period of time), fear doesn’t have a chance to turn into
long-term anxiety. It simply dissipates and goes away.
You can’t expect yourself to work through the fear brought
by a diagnosis while you’re in the doctor’s office. At that moment, or any time
you need to make immediate decisions under duress, I compartmentalize. I
understand that many mental health professionals may not support that idea, but
it works for me. The key is to create time and space soon after to feel my way
through what has happened.
In other words, I compartmentalize temporarily. That gives
me the clarity to proceed to another step of feeling confident in my decisions:
gathering information. I set my feelings aside to ask the doctor as many
questions as I can think of. I also ask the process for submitting questions
that may come up once I’ve processed a bit longer.
Once I leave the doctor’s office, I research my options until
I reach the point that I feel comfortable working with my doctor to devise a
care plan. This sometimes includes getting a second opinion. Having the
knowledge of more than one expert makes me feel more confident moving forward. While
there is no way to know for sure whether we’ll achieve the outcome I desire,
making informed plans builds my confidence and comfort level make uncertainty feel
Uncertainty can still weigh heavy. That’s when I like to get
outside. Or on days like today, a trip outdoors offers an opportunity to bank
good feelings to pull from when I need them. It’s such a gorgeous day! The work
view I’ve chosen is from the porch overlooking my back yard.
Multiple birds chirp as they shuffle in and out of the
wisteria on the arbor. Crows caw in the distance. Sugar snap peas extend their
small white blossoms above the fence into a net trellis. The sun is full on my
face and I’m comfortable in a light sweater. At sunset, we’ll be able to see
Jupiter and Saturn align into a bright Christmas star. How could anything be
Of course I’m aware of the perils of delivering gifts to my
friends. Any other year, we’d be sharing food, wine, and laughter along with
our gift bags. This year, we’re navigating quarantine just to get them to each
But while I sit under a brilliant blue sky, I don’t have to
think about that. I can simply soak in the sun, the sounds, and the smell of
BBQ when the breeze shifts just so. The smell of smoke from that nearby BBQ pit
is a peril in itself. Live here long, and you’ll crave barbecue for breakfast.
As we move through stunted holiday celebrations into more months of pandemic uncertainty, some of us will receive unwanted diagnoses with the potential to increase anxiety. Having tools to reduce discomfort can mean better decision making and more peace of mind.
That’s my wish for all of us through the holidays…peace of mind and spirit!