Social Support – in thriver words

Patience, Perseverance, Progress

SOME THINGS TAKE TIME and require patience, perseverance and adherence to process before progress is made. Yes, I’m probably yelling. Expectations of immediate results for any and everything have reached the absurd. This is detrimental to progress in many areas.

I understand that words have lost much of their meaning. Literally is used to mean things that aren’t literal. Makeupless can mean wearing bright red lipstick. It can be effortful and difficult to sift, sort, and absorb enough information to get a plan together. Why not opt for whatever proposed solution promises immediate results?

Taking the easy sounding option is a choice that’s frequently made and sometimes works for the long-term. But more often, the fast, easy, effortless solution means having to start over again and again when it turns out not to be the panacea we’d hoped.

If we invest too much in the solution of the moment, we may not be able to let it go, even when it’s not working or leaves us with painful side effects. This is how many of us end up trudging down a path that does not benefit us.

caravan of camels and people walking across sand

Whether we’re setting work goals, life goals, or health goals, a more successful approach is to develop or summon the patience required to pursue a well-researched, well-developed, long-term plan and the perseverance to stick to it. We still may not find success, but we’ll stand a better chance of making lasting progress. We’ll also have the opportunity to benefit from the process.

Every step we take, every failure we endure, every push past fear offers us a chance to learn, ground, and breathe into new levels of understanding and confidence. When success comes without difficulty, it has less significance.

And removing difficulty doesn’t prepare us for hard times that will ultimately appear. We need adversity to develop resilience and build courage.

Taking focus off the destination and placing it on the process will get you through a lot of tough things. It may also be more productive than rushing. I have seen this over and over in my life.

Process is somewhat like working a jigsaw puzzle. Placement reveals itself slowly with each piece building on the last until the whole picture takes shape. Beginning with edge pieces creates both limiters and structure. And looking at a difficult puzzle too long in one sitting can blind you to the next move. Slow, methodical effort with breaks may bring a faster solution than rushing.

Patience doesn’t mean no action or movement forward. Perseverance doesn’t take extra-human fortitude. Progress is incremental and sometimes looks like a zigzag line with dips as well as peaks.

The bottom line is that it’s impossible to avoid the trying seasons of life. We all experience them and sometimes there’s no magic pill, quick solution, or hero to rescue us. We simply have to strap in, be patient, take one step at a time, and persevere.

Food Choices

Every day brings numerous food choices. Some are so automatic we don’t think about them. Others we agonize over, apologize for, or allow others to make for us. Choice is one of our greatest powers.

Why would we shy away from making a healthy choice? Obviously, there are many reasons. But often it’s because we don’t think we have the mental or emotional strength to navigate the social implications of refusing perfectly good food because it damages our bodies.

And why do those of us who can eat something push others to join us? Is it really that important that another person make exactly the same choices we make?

Underneath excuses, hesitations, justifications, and bargaining with ourselves, we often make decisions based on fear. The weird thing is that we can be more afraid of public appearance than we are of bad health.

There’s no way to explain this logically. There’s nothing more frustrating than observing someone we care for do things that hurt them. And yet, when it comes to ourselves, it seems relatively easy to acquiesce to the slightest pressure to conform.

In this moment when factions publicly push agendas all day long every day, it may take even more resolve to pursue a healthy path. But here’s the thing, what someone else chooses (other than your children) is none of your business. It’s their choice and within their power to control.

Why is it important to butt out? Because focusing on another’s choices is a distraction from being responsible for our own. Plus, the less concerned we are about what others do, the less we’ll be affected by owning our own decisions when they prove to be unpopular.

I don’t know why we’re so worried about appearance in some areas. Is it because we’re so judgmental that we can’t accept others who don’t conform to our ideas? If so, can changing our attitude toward others help us make better choices for ourselves?

If you need people to conform to your ideals in order to feel safe, leaning into the power of choice can help you develop more internal security. When you’re internally secure, you’ll be less worried about what other people think.

Perhaps this fact is worth repeating: you cannot control other people. That is an illusion. You can manipulate them or the circumstances around them, but the control you achieve is momentary. This puts you in the position of required escalation to continue to feel in charge.

This week, when you’re tempted to consume something that will hurt your health, shift the focus to you. Does your choice value your health? Does it make you feel better or worse physically? Do you have the courage to take care of yourself? Can you stop apologizing for proactive decisions?

You don’t have to do anything different right this minute. Simply changing your focus can lead to better food choices down the road.

Moderate Language for Better Health

Is it possible to moderate language for better health? It’s not uncommon to see health advice that includes calls for moderation in the consumption of alcohol, fatty foods, sodium, or sugar. Those aren’t bad ideas. But I’m wondering whether changing our words might also be effective?

We are in an era of extremes. We may recognize that politically. But the need for clicks and likes has also ratcheted up our language in other areas.

In a quick scroll of YouTube thumbnails, I see the following: soars, shambles, freaked out, rarest, destroyed, disaster, meltdown, smack down, fatal, insane, panic, trouble ahead, going crazy, worst nightmare, stunning revelation, bombshell, perfect storm. These are not words of moderation. And many times, they lead to something unspectacular and undeserving of extreme language.

I’ve also seen self-talk morph. Instead of “oops, my bad,” some have moved to “I hate myself” or worse when responding to an initiating act that from the outside looks like a minor boo-boo.

And we’ve escalated the words we use to describe our response to average situations. The other day, I heard a middle-aged parent talk about how scary it was when his child got a tick.

Now I’m no tick fan, and I have a desire to avoid tick-borne disease. Still, I can’t remember ever feeling “scared” when seeing a tick on my child. We calmly removed them and took note should some problem appear later. I’m left wondering whether the parent really felt scared, or has just become accustomed to using extreme language?

The escalation of catastrophic language can’t be good. If we are constantly verbally escalating the minor into the major, we run the risk of raising our blood pressure, interrupting our concentration, making extreme decisions, alarming others, mischaracterizing others, and feeling hopeless. We may flood our systems with cortisol affecting multiple organs. We may hear a minor diagnosis and believe we have major disease.

The bottom line is, when we view everything in the extreme, we lose perspective. And when we lose perspective, we may feel more threatened, anxious, alone, or depressed. We may try to remedy that by channeling it into anger toward ourselves or others.

All of this can lead from anger to rage, from coping to quitting, from problem solving to feeling helpless, from shame to self-loathing. These are not the progressions that lead to better health, either physical or mental.

Viewing our own behavior with curiosity can help us identify areas in which our rhetoric no longer contains nuance. It can help us see ways in which we judge ourselves or others against an increasingly raised bar or fail to grant grace when we fail.

It can also be helpful to separate our behavior from our essence in our self-talk. I make mistakes, not I am a mistake. I hate it when that happens, not I hate myself. Next time I will _______ rather than I suck. I could have handled that better rather than it was my fault (especially when contributing factors were out of your control). Well, I learned _________ rather than how could I be so stupid?

A tick bite is rarely catastrophic. Misspeaking in public does not mean you’re stupid. Being rejected does not mean you’re unlovable. Being dismissed doesn’t mean your ideas are fatally bad or someone’s worst nightmare. This is the escalated language of clickbait.

The good news is that moderating our language is within our control. Choosing our media influences is within our control. Where we spend much of our time, and with whom, is in our control. When we make different choices, we can regain perspective.

Choosing more moderate language can go a long way toward a healthier view of ourselves and our environment. A healthier view can assist in making beneficial health decisions. And an overall de-escalation will benefit us physically.

So, I guess I should say, let’s get out there and be less extreme!

Your Experience is Yours

Your experience is yours and you can do with it what you will. Why is it we feel a need to dismiss, redirect, define, redefine, and otherwise interject our beliefs onto another’s experience? That question haunts me, but it’s really not important. What’s important is knowing it’s okay to ignore people when they do this.

Should you grieve in a certain way? No. Will there be people who negatively judge the process that works for you? Yes. Ignore them.

Should you feel ashamed that you have scarred skin? No. Will there be people who assume you are ashamed and intercede on your behalf even though that makes you feel diminished and dismissed? Yes. Ignore them.

Should you be embarrassed to wear comfortable shoes that support properly? No. Will there be those who make fun of you or gossip about your unfashionable choice? Yes. Ignore them.

Should you feel like there’s something wrong with you if you prefer dietary changes to medication when your physician indicates the end result will be the same? No. Will there be pressure to choose meds? Probably. Ignore it.

Should you feel free to ask questions of experts? Yes. Will there be those who push you to accept what you’re told as gospel? Yes. Ignore them.

Should you limit your dreams because you begin with a disadvantage? No. Will there be people who undermine you because they don’t believe you deserve your dream? Most likely. Ignore them.

We give other people way too much agency to alter our perceptions or behavior. We hope for connection and seem to believe that conformity will bring it. For a brief moment, it may.

So, what are some long-term costs of not being true to yourself?

Limited intimacy. It feels flattering for people to conform to us so that can bring momentary connection. But ultimately, it is impossible to deepen intimacy when one party is not being genuine. The relationship will get stuck.

Diminished quality of life. If you give up the depth of your experience, apologize for it, or twist yourself in a pretzel to please someone else, it diminishes your sense of self and your quality of life.

Less likely to feel fulfilled by achievement. If you choose to put energy into work or activities that someone else would choose for you, you may be wildly successful by another’s standard, but you won’t necessarily feel fulfilled. Giving energy to things that are personally meaningful can feel more satisfying even when you’re judged less successful.

Feelings of frustration, anger, and loss. There are situations in which being yourself can pose physical or emotional danger. In these situations, choosing to conform may save your life. It is okay to make this choice. In fact, it’s smart. It is also okay to feel the frustration, anger, and loss that doing so may leave in its wake.

Constant tension. If you are in a constant fight with yourself, you create unrelenting internal tension. This may lead to outbursts that threaten relationships. Or it may cause your children to feel anxious.

Substituting judgement for listening is a shortcut that saves time. It makes our lives appear less messy. It can save us embarrassment. But it usually requires a level of denial that diminishes our lives.

Learning to actively listen, hold space, and be compassionate can begin by doing these things for ourselves. Set boundaries, allow yourself to feel anything you feel. There is no right or wrong here. A bad thought does not make you a bad person. A violent impulse does not make you a bad person. You can still choose good behavior. But it’s important to see and accept all your parts.

Once you can clearly see your experience, own it. There’s no need to apologize for the way you perceive something. This is true even if you have some form of PTSD. Your experience is your experience. Other people may feel differently in the same situation. That doesn’t make you wrong.

Ironically, we act as though we value uniqueness, but that value often ends very near our own norm. Actively owning my reality doesn’t just enhance my life. It helps me recognize how broad the human experience can be.