Failing up is sometimes viewed as bad. We think of a coworker who gets a job they’re not ready for or an actor getting parts they don’t deserve. But sometimes, an author gets a book published because a manuscript is rejected so many times they’re motivated to revise, revise, and revise until it’s not.
We all fail. Athletes know it. Teachers know it. Parents know it. Chefs know it. Failure is not a failure. It is part of every success. We can let it be a stumbling block or one of the most useful tools we have.
In other words, failing isn’t a choice. We will sometimes make the best choice we know how and still fail. When we do, it’s the next choice that matters.
If it were easy to make the best choice after every failure, there’d be no need for this post. It isn’t always easy. It can be especially difficult if you’re a perfectionist, the situation causes you embarrassment, or you feel you’ve let someone down.
To use failing up as a constructive tool requires getting past your emotional response. This is where many of us get stuck. And not just stuck for a minute. Sometimes growth may be interrupted for years.
I have a friend who repeats a pattern that goes something like this: A friend or colleague does something he views as wrong. He tells them in some manner – sometimes directly, sometimes through condescension he doesn’t know he’s exhibiting, sometimes through an unspoken expectation that the perceived perpetrator will admit they’re wrong. He doesn’t get the response or result he wants. He responds to this by using a ton of time and energy puzzling over what HE did wrong. Somehow, he turns things around to himself.
The interesting thing is, he still feels the perceived perpetrator is wrong. He’s still angry with them. He still wants them to apologize or admit they’re wrong. It seems that turning the scenario around and around in his head, puzzling, and making himself wrong doesn’t result in insight. It just makes him miserable and keeps him stuck.
It’s not unusual to have patterns of behavior that don’t serve us well. In my experience, there are a couple of things required to get past ruminating without progress. One is to trust your body and practice Somatic Experiencing. Turning your process to observing what’s happening in your body can lead to insight you’d never otherwise gain. This is especially helpful for those who have experienced trauma. https://traumahealing.org/se-101/
The second is to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion sits under anger. Your mind may be spinning in neutral because it’s not ready to believe and accept some reality you feel a need to deny. Or you may subconsciously know you will be releasing a flood of sadness, loss, grief, humiliation, vulnerability, or other emotion you don’t feel equipped to handle.
Instead of ruminating, you can use your time to feel a moment or two of sadness. Sit with it. Move away from it as needed. Come back and sit with it again. As you build tolerance, you diminish the fear that keeps you stuck. Think of it as desensitization or exposure therapy.
Talk therapy may not be the best form of help because the temptation will be to regurgitate the conversation you’re having in your head, but there are therapists who offer tools and approaches to make this process faster and easier. It is okay to ask for help.
Once we aren’t being controlled by our emotional response, or avoidance of it, we can begin to explore the lessons a particular failure is presenting. Ask yourself:
- Is there something I did well?
- How can I build on that next time?
- What did I learn about myself?
- Is this something I can accept?
- Is there something about myself I hope to improve?
- How would I improve it?
- How would improving it help in a similar situation?
- How did I feel during the process?
- How do I want to feel when I encounter a similar situation?
- Did I respond within my values?
- Can I solve a problem I failed to solve this time?
- If it is not solvable, what’s the best way to deal with it?
- Was I missing information?
- Where and how can I fill in my knowledge gap?
- What is the takeaway and what can I do better next time?
Think of it like your golf game. Exploring these questions will give you a sense of control and mastery that you would not gain from only hitting at the driving range. You need the terrain of the golf course, the variations in grass, the sand traps, the water hazards, and the long putts to improve your overall game. Every bad putt teaches you how to putt better next time.
Since we all fail, it’s critical to view failure as an opportunity to grow rather than as a stumbling block. Learning from failure is what allows us to fail up.
