values – in thriver words

Your Best Life

Only you can define your best life. I recently saw a critic describe the couple featured in Song Sung Blue as a duo that never achieved success. This struck me as ridiculous.

The couple supported themselves making music they loved. They opened for The Red Hot Chili Peppers. There are two movies about their lives. How is that not successful?

There are tons of bands in any given city that have a regular gig and large local following but have never filled an arena. Are they not successful either?

dark crowd filled arena with bright purple and blue light

Funny thing, I’d never heard of this critic nor do I remember his name. By his own definition, I guess he hasn’t achieved success either. Or maybe he’s independently wealthy and considers that a sign of his success.

I mention all of this because you’re not going to feel like you’re thriving unless you’re taking steps toward living your best ideal life or you have learned to glean the best moments from the life you have.

I’m not against ambition, big dreams, moving forward, or getting ahead. I believe most of us can achieve more than we imagine. But I also believe that it’s okay to feel satisfied with a role that fills your heart and soul but isn’t considered the pinnacle of a profession.

How many miserable people do you know who judge themselves by another’s criteria?

How many people beat themselves up because they can’t live up to another’s expectation?

How many people become depressed because a real-life obstacle prevents them from achieving a dream?

I know tons of people from each of these categories. Do they have better lives being miserable or would they benefit from finding a new way to evaluate their situation?

A life lived according to your values, filled with satisfying work, comfortable surroundings, and solid relationships is hard to beat. It doesn’t always bring exotic trips, celebrity elbow rubbing, or world renown. But those things only have the value we allow them.

Alex Honnold may require the challenge of free soloing Taipei 101 for his life to feel complete. I do not need this. Even if I were a climber, I don’t think I’d need to conquer that level of challenge to feel successful. And if you explore any extreme example, you may feel the same way.

At the same time, you may subconsciously assess your life as lacking by using our movie critic’s standard.

If thriving is important to you in 2026, examine your values. Rate them in importance to you. Compare your everyday reality to the level at which it reflects these values. Take whatever steps are required to sync your life with your values.

Even if you don’t reach a single arbitrary milestone, you will feel more successful. Keep it up and you may be surprised that you are inching closer than ever before to your dreams.

It’s hard to argue that living your values is not living your best life. And living your best life and thriving go hand in hand.

What is Normal?

If something is normal it’s nothing to worry about, but what is normal?

It seems experiencing dark during the middle of the day has me thinking about normalcy more than usual. I feel like the idea of what falls within the normal range has narrowed through my lifetime increasing the list of things that fall outside the lines.

Whether that’s true, or just my perception is impossible to determine. Everything’s subjective. Sometimes things that feel normal to me may feel totally foreign to you.

But things that fall outside the normal range are worrisome. It’s possible that a narrower view of what’s normal is causing tiny variances to seem bigger than they did before. Some may even feel catastrophic. We certainly seem increasingly anxious and fearful.

On the flip side, we have normalized behavior that was previously considered improper and abnormal. Some of it crosses the line into cruelty or violence. That leads to fear and anxiety as well.

We find ourselves in a world that changed swiftly because of a pandemic. Nothing has really felt normal since it began. You could say, so what? Things change. That’s true. They do. But normal or not, why is it so hard to feel grounded, peaceful, and calm?

First, there’s the noise in general. It’s difficult and time consuming to vet every piece of information that crosses your path.

Secondly, we’re being misled. Sources like the WHO and CDC have proven themselves less than trustworthy sources of solid science-based recommendations. No matter your philosophy, this creates distrust.

Third, politicians are making use of grievance politics. This appeals to the worst in each of us. We all have a beef with someone, sometime. Fueling grievances leads to anger and division rather than cooperation and consensus.

Fourth, we aren’t well grounded in history and view the world in an egocentric way. Everything is much bigger than any one of us.

Fifth, we’ve let the measure of success narrow to the matter of money. Integrity, service, productivity, innovation, and beauty have taken a step back in value. It also tempts people to take advantage in order to achieve monetary success.

Carving a path of normality when surrounded by chaos and division is hard. It can be traumatic. It requires curiosity, fortitude, and conviction. But if you can shut out enough noise, you will know in your core when something feels right. As long as that path leads to your best self, follow it and forget these myths:

Normal means always happy. In “Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole,” Susan Cain posits that we miss out on beauty, wonder, and compassion when we avoid sadness, sorrow, and longing. It takes effort to resist societal pressure to only embrace positivity, but perpetual positivity may not be normal.

Depression is something to fear. Long ago, I read “The Secret Strength of Depression.” One point it makes is that depression is a normal response to change. It’s not the only response, but it’s part of adjusting from the old to the new. As such a response, it should be temporary, but it isn’t always clinical, chronic, or dire. In fact, at times it is a normal state.

You can medicate your way out of everything. Medication is one option for treating illness or pain. It is not always the most effective long-term solution.

Will anything feel normal again? I don’t know. But you can feel more grounded, peaceful, and calm if you follow a path that you know in your core is in tune with your values.

Forget Resolutions – Answer the Big Questions

As this year begins, forget resolutions! Until you answer the big questions, it’s pointless to make them anyway.

Is there really much chance you’re going to hit the gym an hour a day for a whole year if you haven’t explored why you’ve purchased 3 yearlong gym memberships before and worked out a total of 3 times?

Will you be able to achieve your goal of reducing clutter if you don’t know why you buy more clothes, but don’t remove anything from your closet?

Is it realistic to set a goal to prepare most meals from scratch if you don’t know whether you believe that anticipated long-term health gains are more important than the convenience that gets you through today?

We’ve talked before about setting up a life structure to support change, but that’s really starting in the middle. Before you set up that structure, you need to know yourself and be clear on your values.

Most of us believe we have a clear view of ourselves, but I can tell you from interviewing many employees and then subsequently observing their job performance, we are either terrible self-assessors or willing to be incredibly dishonest to get a job. If we’re not good at self-assessing, we’re not being honest with ourselves.

I have only a passing knowledge of Brené Brown’s research into shame and vulnerability, but it seems logical that feelings of shame regarding our perceived inadequacies or the vulnerability of being unemployed contribute to our construction of a story that doesn’t match other people’s perception of us over time. While this may feel necessary for landing a job, or our social mask may feel necessary for navigating public interactions, it is important for us to connect to our true selves. If we don’t, we simply can’t construct a life that will benefit us.

Think of it this way, if you build a house with standard height doors, it won’t comfortably fit LeBron James or Kevin Durant. If you love to sleep late and work at night, a 7am – 3pm job does not fit you as well as an 11pm – 7am job. If you value routine, outside sales will make you crazy. It doesn’t matter that your earning potential is increased because the job is not a good fit! On the other hand, if you love flexibility outside sales will let you blossom.

Asking the big questions helps to identify our strengths, obstacles, and things that bring us joy. Answering the big questions with courage solidifies our values. With the resulting clarity, we can construct a life framework that supports us becoming our best, healthiest, most joyful selves, even if our new plan is 180º from where we’ve been headed.

Is it seriously possible to go from an inability to keep a single resolution to a 180º turnaround? I believe it is. I’m not saying the path will be straightforward – your particular trail may never have been blazed before. I never expect a journey that has a straight up trajectory, or is without failure. Forward progress most often requires a foundation of commitment, diligence, learning from mistakes, and holding yourself accountable.

What does a big question sound like if I should want to ask one?

Big questions are things like:

1)What are my greatest inherent strengths?

2)What are my greatest learned skills?

3)What are my greatest weaknesses?

4)What am I most lacking right now?

5)Can I sit still in total quiet without distractions or company and feel calm and comfortable?

6)What do I have in great abundance?

7)What do I have that I can live without?

8)Am I invested and engaged in my family, my job, and my community?

9)Am I able to feel my real feelings in the moment?

10)What do I do to avoid my feelings?

11)Do I embrace my emotions, both positive and negative, and lean in?

12)Can I look myself in the eye in the mirror and sincerely utter the words, “I love you?”

13)What is the worst thing I’ve ever done? Have I forgiven myself for that?

14)If I have not yet forgiven myself for my worst action, can I do it now?

15)Do I have good boundaries?

16)Do I contribute more often to peace or to conflict in my relationships?

17)Am I more likely to display compassion or judgement?

18)Do I take responsibility for my contribution to family or work conflict?

19)How do I behave when I’m my best self and during what percentage of each day am I my behaving that way?

20)Am I willing to practice gratitude, bravery, health, fitness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity?

21)Am I reliable? Can others regularly count on me?

22)What kind of friend am I to myself? Do I take care of myself as well as I do my husband, wife, children, friends, coworkers, or clients?

23)What inspires me?

24)What motivates me?

25)If there were no obstacles, what would a perfect week look like?

26)What steps can I take today that will move me toward that perfect week?

27)If there is no way to change my current circumstances, will I be okay and can I learn to thrive?

28)How much time am I willing to commit each day to improving my physical health and fitness?

29)How much time am I willing to commit each day to strengthening my emotional & spiritual health?

30)What percentage of the time do I say no when I should say no?

31)What do I believe is the biggest obstacle standing between me and my #1 goal?

32)Do I have the courage to sit with my fear?

33)What one thing can I do each day that will add joy, laughter or connection to my life?

34)What do I believe I deserve in life?

35)Am I aware of the effect my choices have on those around me?

36)What one kindness can I offer someone else today?

The answers to big questions often reveal themselves in stages of realization slowly over a period of time as we gain insight. Many of us have had our relationships to ourselves interrupted in a manner that leaves us feeling alone, helpless, weak, undeserving, defective, or numb. When this is true, it can be a monumental task to reconnect with our emotions. If you have difficulty seeing yourself as lovable, deserving of good things, or feel a need to avoid all emotions, Somatic Experiencing® may be a good place to start.

Somatic Experiencing® Therapy allowed me to reconnect with my body so that I could relax the defenses that prevented me from feeling. Developed by Dr. Peter A. Levine, SE can easily be practiced with or without the assistance of a practitioner. Using SE tools still helps me trust my body to support me while I free my mind to know what I know and my heart to feel what it feels. That puts me in a much better position to answer big questions in a manner that is consistent with supporting my best self.

If you’re already feeling concerned that you may not keep your resolutions this year, forget them and try answering some big questions! After all, there’s no danger in trying something different and the knowledge you gain about yourself can give you insight into a better strategy for sustaining positive change.

Take your time, you’ve got all year! Let’s just call this a rebuilding year.

https://brenebrown.com/

http://somaticexperiencing.com/

Are We There Yet?

I must confess, I’m ready for this year to be over – are we there yet? Let’s close this chapter down and get on with a new one. I’m ready! Some years bring ease and comfort and others throw the book at you. You can make the best choices in the world and still be bowled over by loss, illness, natural disaster, betrayal, or unexpected financial stress.

Today, a post about food will just send me running back to the bathroom. I’ve had 2 stomach viruses in as many weeks. I don’t have any tips to share. I can barely get myself upstairs to take a shower. Once I start following a train of thought, it’s quickly interrupted by my rumbling tummy. I’m typing this wondering if there’s any point in sharing at all? Nonetheless, share I shall.

In the past month, I’ve had two colds and made a trip across the country in addition to the two bouts of stomach flu. I haven’t worked out since I left on a trip December 13. I haven’t cooked since I returned. I had to cancel a trip to see my elderly cousin because of today’s illness. In between, I did a real estate closing and kept my grandson when his parents had an emergency. I’ve reviewed video and built graphics for our cooking show. I am tapped out, exhausted, and generally worthless.

The point is, we all have times like that. Hopefully, they don’t come often or stay long, but no one is immune. When I was growing up, my great aunts would band together to take over duties for an ailing relative. It didn’t require great discussion, they just divvied up the chores and went into action like a well-oiled machine. In my circle of friends, no one currently has access to that kind of family support. Many of us tough it out with very little help.

It can be hard to find reliable friends, partners, vendors, volunteers, and employees. Without those, life can feel like a constant fight to get something done. Many systems are broken or unconcerned about the individuals that depend on those systems. During good times, this can simply feel like a waste of time and energy. During difficult times, it can be the straw that leads to extreme frustration. Sometimes this frustration is expressed as violence – at home or in the community.

When you feel alone and overwhelmed, an ignored request can feel like a slap in the face. Unfortunately, ignoring has become standard operating procedure. Veterans’ physical concerns were ignored in order to enhance performance statistics. Overzealous police departments have ignored concerns of minority communities. Women’s harassment in the workplace has been ignored when the harasser is a powerful man. Clients ignore email and phone calls. Friends ignore invitations instead of responding that they can’t join you.

This year, I was even ghosted by an organization for which I wrote. I made all my deadlines. My posts were getting 10s of thousands of hits per week on Facebook. My editor never gave me any notes. He didn’t ask for rewrites. Suddenly, everything just stopped with no word whatsoever. This passes for professionalism? Not in my book.

There is a certain amount of power that can be wielded through uncertainty, chaos, manipulation, and stonewalling, but it is not the sort of power that inspires loyalty, respect, trust, admiration, or gratitude. In the coming year, I’ll be faced with many choices. I can choose to be a trustworthy and reliable friend. I can choose to respond even when my response is not what a client wants to hear. I can choose to be considerate and listen. I can choose to model patience, kindness, and thoughtfulness.

Admittedly, making these choices may not always be appreciated or even noticed. But that’s the thing about leading – you lead your children, colleagues, and community by your actions whether that leadership is acknowledged or not. Deciding what sort of leader you want to be determines the mark you leave on the world.

So, it’s time to leave this year behind and embark on the next one. Can I make 2018 better than any year that has come before? While I can’t determine what will happen to me or around me, I can prioritize what I make time for. I can surround myself with things that inspire me. I can determine the sort of parent, grandparent, employer, colleague, and friend I want to be, then make choices that support those values.

These final few days of 2017 when I’m lying on the couch trying to recover are perfect for reflection, truth telling, and planning. Without the stomach flu, I would have allotted less time for that so I am choosing to be grateful for the interruption. I’ll be just as grateful when I feel like eating steak again!

As you wind down your year and prepare for the next, I’m wishing you flavorful food, fragrant flowers, thoughtful friends, and strong, reliable partners!