Tag: somatic experiencing

Failing Up

Failing up is sometimes viewed as bad. We think of a coworker who gets a job they’re not ready for or an actor getting parts they don’t deserve. But sometimes, an author gets a book published because a manuscript is rejected so many times they’re motivated to revise, revise, and revise until it’s not.

Young Asian man sitting at desk in front of window with left hand on his forehead looking at phone in his right hand. He looks frustrated.

We all fail. Athletes know it. Teachers know it. Parents know it. Chefs know it. Failure is not a failure. It is part of every success. We can let it be a stumbling block or one of the most useful tools we have.

In other words, failing isn’t a choice. We will sometimes make the best choice we know how and still fail. When we do, it’s the next choice that matters.

If it were easy to make the best choice after every failure, there’d be no need for this post. It isn’t always easy. It can be especially difficult if you’re a perfectionist, the situation causes you embarrassment, or you feel you’ve let someone down.

To use failing up as a constructive tool requires getting past your emotional response. This is where many of us get stuck. And not just stuck for a minute. Sometimes growth may be interrupted for years.

I have a friend who repeats a pattern that goes something like this: A friend or colleague does something he views as wrong. He tells them in some manner – sometimes directly, sometimes through condescension he doesn’t know he’s exhibiting, sometimes through an unspoken expectation that the perceived perpetrator will admit they’re wrong. He doesn’t get the response or result he wants. He responds to this by using a ton of time and energy puzzling over what HE did wrong. Somehow, he turns things around to himself.

The interesting thing is, he still feels the perceived perpetrator is wrong. He’s still angry with them. He still wants them to apologize or admit they’re wrong. It seems that turning the scenario around and around in his head, puzzling, and making himself wrong doesn’t result in insight. It just makes him miserable and keeps him stuck.

It’s not unusual to have patterns of behavior that don’t serve us well. In my experience, there are a couple of things required to get past ruminating without progress. One is to trust your body and practice Somatic Experiencing. Turning your process to observing what’s happening in your body can lead to insight you’d never otherwise gain. This is especially helpful for those who have experienced trauma. https://traumahealing.org/se-101/

The second is to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion sits under anger. Your mind may be spinning in neutral because it’s not ready to believe and accept some reality you feel a need to deny. Or you may subconsciously know you will be releasing a flood of sadness, loss, grief, humiliation, vulnerability, or other emotion you don’t feel equipped to handle.

Instead of ruminating, you can use your time to feel a moment or two of sadness. Sit with it. Move away from it as needed. Come back and sit with it again. As you build tolerance, you diminish the fear that keeps you stuck. Think of it as desensitization or exposure therapy.

Talk therapy may not be the best form of help because the temptation will be to regurgitate the conversation you’re having in your head, but there are therapists who offer tools and approaches to make this process faster and easier. It is okay to ask for help.

Once we aren’t being controlled by our emotional response, or avoidance of it, we can begin to explore the lessons a particular failure is presenting. Ask yourself:

  • Is there something I did well?
  • How can I build on that next time?
  • What did I learn about myself?
  • Is this something I can accept?
  • Is there something about myself I hope to improve?
  • How would I improve it?
  • How would improving it help in a similar situation?
  • How did I feel during the process?
  • How do I want to feel when I encounter a similar situation?
  • Did I respond within my values?
  • Can I solve a problem I failed to solve this time?
  • If it is not solvable, what’s the best way to deal with it?
  • Was I missing information?
  • Where and how can I fill in my knowledge gap?
  • What is the takeaway and what can I do better next time?

Think of it like your golf game. Exploring these questions will give you a sense of control and mastery that you would not gain from only hitting at the driving range. You need the terrain of the golf course, the variations in grass, the sand traps, the water hazards, and the long putts to improve your overall game. Every bad putt teaches you how to putt better next time.

Since we all fail, it’s critical to view failure as an opportunity to grow rather than as a stumbling block. Learning from failure is what allows us to fail up.

Food and Mood

How would you describe the connection between food and mood? I attended a webinar last week on using nutrition to facilitate trauma healing. I haven’t had time to review studies on this subject so I won’t give you a specific regimen to check out or links to websites yet. What I will tell you is the message was powerful and visibly resonated with the audience. It’s the only time I’ve ever been in a Zoom call in which numerous participants wiped away tears as they listened.

The crux of the work involves noting sensations or emotions we experience (or are trying to avoid) at a moment when our bodies feel driven to seek stimulating or depressing foods. Are we attempting to pump up adrenaline or calm it down? What is underneath our desire to do this? Can we recognize eating habits we’ve developed to regulate fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses? What happens emotionally when we change our eating habits?

Why does any of this matter?

We know that a high percentage of people fail in attempts to follow a new diet regimen over a long period of time. This is true whether the diet is designed for weight loss or to avoid gluten. And it’s true in people who may be highly disciplined in every other area. Perhaps exploring what happens emotionally when we change our eating habits can give some insight that will lead to better approaches for lasting change.

What exactly would we explore?

The short answer is how food relates to us and how we relate to food.

We typically do this with a particular diet strategy in mind. We may be more successful over the long haul if we focus on rituals and culture and how food relates to feelings of safety or danger.

How can we discover that?

We can begin with habits – the foods we reach for regularly; times of day we reach for something; whether we tend to withhold food from ourselves, etc. Keeping a journal may be helpful.

What comes next?

Next, we can explore what we are feeling when we reach for the caffeine or chocolate or potato chips or fried chicken that we see regularly appearing in our journals. We can also record how we feel after we consume that food and how long the feeling lasts.

Looking at these patterns allows us to determine our relationship with food. Once we have a grasp of it, we can slowly build tolerance for feelings of uncertainty and danger that may result from changes in diet.

Why on earth would this work?

Food is a mood regulator. You can find plenty of scientific studies about the particular nutritional properties of food and how those relate to mood. In practicality, the specific properties don’t matter until the body is able to feel safe when we change our habits and rituals. This requires deliberately building a framework for safety.

For example, sugar is a stimulant. You can calm the body by limiting or removing it. When you do so, you’ll eliminate empty calories and lose weight. Easy, right?

Yes, but…

The body adapts to threats using the tools it has available for regulation. One of those tools is food. Another is swallowing. It is normal for the body to resort to an adapted response that may no longer be needed.

If a dieter lived with constant stress as a child, a high level of adrenaline may feel normal or “safe.”  That person may consume large amounts of stimulants – chocolate, candy, sweetened coffee drinks, sodas, dried fruit – or skip meals in order to feel normal. When a high level of stimulation feels normal or safe, removing it will cause a feeling of danger.

That means removing sugar from the diet can send the body into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Because this is an adapted physiological response, it will not magically go away on its own.

But it is possible to develop a framework for healing that shifts our relationship with food over time. It is the change in the relationship that will allow us to use food to improve mood in a healthy, lasting way.

So here’s what I’m taking away from the webinar: If you have struggled with any kind of dietary change, you are not alone. If you’ve ever punished yourself for resorting to old habits, you can stop. Once you recognize your body is trying to protect you from something unbearable, you can stop fighting yourself. Once you stop fighting yourself, there’s more time and energy for realigning the relationship between food and mood.

All of this feels right to me with or without studies to support the specifics. I can’t wait to learn more about my own food and mood!

Here’s to exploration!

Preparation for Healing: When it Comes to Healing, Words Will Often Fail Us!

When it comes to healing, words will often fail us. I love words. They have, in fact, had a profoundly positive effect on me. But I also know from experience that when it comes to healing, words are a shortcut at best and at worst a shield or subterfuge.
no words
We like to think that words are the key to healing. They are useful. We use them to communicate our symptoms to physicians. We use them to describe how we feel to therapists. Once we’ve done this, we will be on the path to healing, right? Maybe, but not necessarily.

If you’ve ever had the experience of misdiagnosis or no diagnosis for years in spite of multiple attempts to describe your problem to the doctor, you know that your words are not always sufficient to communicate what is happening in your body. If you have lingering wounds from traumatic experiences, you may have no words regarding those wounds. You may have only intense feelings that flood back unexpectedly.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that words can fail us. Think back to some moment of extreme excitement. Were you more likely to say, “I’m excited!”, or to jump up & down and squeal with delight? Think back to a moment of extreme fear. Did you say, “I’m afraid!”, or did you scream, shiver, or freeze? What happened when you felt extreme grief or tenderness? Could you speak around your tears? Deep emotions often find their expression throughout our tissues and our most profound moments often leave us speechless.

But the inability to voice our most deep seated wounds may be a result of the changes trauma makes in our brains. In “The Body Keeps the Score”, Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk describes brain scans that show the Broca’s area goes offline when a flashback is triggered (1). That is the area of the brain that allows us to put our thoughts and feelings into words. No wonder we refer to horrific events as unspeakable.

This means that the deeper and more meaningful the healing work, the less likely it is that language will be a sufficient carrier of information. Art and music can help some of us express those things we can’t describe. But perhaps it’s more important to know that we can heal without relying on language.

Sometimes it is the feeling encased in a memory that is more significant than a remembered event or image. Allowing the body to process these feelings without slowing down to describe the process is not always a bad thing. Not only can it reduce anxiety, it can reduce chronic pain, lower blood pressure, and possibly reduce inflammation as well as promoting better sleep quality and reducing the risk for depression.

In an era during which we are reexamining the treatment of chronic pain, it is important to note that according to the Institute for Chronic Pain: “As a group, people with chronic pain tend to report much higher rates of having experienced trauma in their past, when compared to people without chronic pain. It is a common and consistent finding in the research.” They go on to state that at least 90% of women with fibromyalgia syndrome and 60% of those with arthritis report trauma in childhood or adulthood; 76% of patients with chronic low back pain report at least one trauma in their past; and 58% of those with migraines report a history of childhood physical or sexual abuse, or neglect.(2)

As our exposure to violence increases through the myriad outlets for viewing violence, it becomes even more critical that we understand the limitation of using intellect and words to heal from any resulting trauma. Traditional counseling may not be helpful to survivors of a mass shooting, and some psychiatrists have come to view medication as nothing more than a band-aid.

On the other hand, in many circles, talk therapy is still viewed as the most important path to healing from emotional distress. Even in more progressive trauma treatment like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EDMR) and Progressive Counting, participants are asked to describe a memory before the eye movement or counting process begins.

Last year, I was exploring the possibility of traveling for an intensive therapy retreat with the Trauma Institute & Child Trauma Institute. The founder of that institute, Ricky Greenwald, PsyD developed the technique of Progressive Counting. The process of Progressive Counting begins with your earliest traumatic memory. You describe that, then the practitioner begins counting. Once you have resolved that trauma, you move on to the next one you remember. The idea is that clearing the old traumas first will make the more recent ones quicker to heal because the early baggage is gone. The Institute’s website states most clients are able to achieve true healing in a couple of days to a couple of weeks. That sounded appealing.

Then came the reality. Count me on the two week end of the spectrum or more like 3 weeks. After my assessment, I was looking at an estimated 21 days and $20,000+ of treatment. But the depth of my disorder is not the point. The point is that they administered a phone assessment during which I was asked to relate something typical my mother had done that felt traumatic to me.

I could not speak. In fact, I could not think. I was silent on the phone. I moved into a feeling of distress. I couldn’t even find my voice to tell them I could not answer. When I could speak, I was aware I sounded like a crazed person pushing past tears. I also knew I was doing the best I could and they had asked me to do something that wasn’t possible.

The assessor (actually there were two of them on the phone) quickly and deftly moved me away from the past and back to the present. But because they had made a request beyond my ability to perform and I had entered fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode and because this vulnerable state was only acknowledged by quickly moving me away from the moment rather than providing support through it, I felt diminished, dismissed, and distanced — the same feelings that come from neglect.

I have experienced a similar response to freezing from other therapists. I’m not sure whether it’s because the inability to talk is viewed as a voluntary refusal to participate or talk is just valued as the only path to improvement. Whatever the reason, the failure of professionals to provide support in the moment affects my ability/willingness to trust them and the process. Do they not understand what is happening (are they competent and well trained) or do they not care (are they truly compassionate)? Either way, my distrust in this instance was too much to overcome. These women had failed to earn the right to know my most vulnerable parts. Needless to say, I opted out.

That does not mean that Progressive Counting would not be effective for someone else or even for me with a different practitioner. And that experience was the opposite of the experience I had with a Somatic Experiencing Therapy practitioner in which I felt totally supported. In other words, that experience does not mean I was left with no path to heal.

What all of this comes down to is I want you to know that I know how it feels for words to fail you. I understand that if that happens in the presence of a professional who does not respond in an understanding or supportive way, you may view the process as harmful. If so, you can leave that particular opportunity behind. There are other paths.

If you believe that such an experience confirms that you deserve to be harmed, be invisible, or be unsupported (or whatever you tell yourself when bad things happen), that is not my view. You deserve to be treated with respect, have your concerns heard, and never to be dismissed or made to feel less than. If that is not the care with which you are being treated, I am so sorry and it is okay to say no to a particular provider and/or method. You know best what feels appropriate for you.

It is worth repeating that like mindfulness practices, healing is a process you can tailor to your specific personality and experience. If you are at a loss for words, or when they fail you, Somatic Experiencing or Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE®) Therapy (also known as trembling) may be appropriate. Yoga or neurogenic yoga may also be helpful in supporting all other therapies.

Even if you struggle to communicate your distress, the body provides a path to healing when words fail. I am grateful for that!

(1) Van der Kolk, B., MD. (2015). Looking into the Brain: The Neuroscience Revolution. In The Body Keeps The Score (pp. 39-44). New York, NY: Penguin Books.

(2)http://www.instituteforchronicpain.org/understanding-chronic-pain/complications/trauma
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5848846/

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-psychotherapy#1

http://therapyretreat.org/

https://traumaprevention.com/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/3351-2/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/preparation-for-healing-managing-expectations-begins-with-setting-clear-intentions/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/preparation-for-healing-what-is-readiness/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/never-surrender/


Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
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Speed Kills

Remember the ad campaign, Speed Kills? I can’t remember if I first heard the term in an anti-drug campaign or an attempt to reduce speed limits. The phrase has been used for both. This week, I’m thinking of Speed Kills in totally different terms.

Last weekend I went to see Won’t You Be My Neighbor. This movie chronicles the career of Fred Rogers, the creator of MISTER ROGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD. There was nothing speedy about Mister Rogers. His slow pace stands in stark contrast to other children’s entertainers. This was deliberate. It was also significant.

Mister Rogers understood that very important things happen when we’re still and quiet. He included long pauses and silence in his television program. This is considered a no-no in the TV world, but as someone observed in the movie, there were many times when nothing much was going on, but none of the time was wasted.

On some level, parents and children must have sensed the significance of this. They certainly responded. Mister Rogers became hugely successful in spite of doing everything “wrong” for a television audience.

In my home, I observed that when my boys watched MISTER ROGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD their behavior was markedly different than when they watched He-Man. He-Man led to an afternoon of hitting each other, breaking toys, and generally violent behavior.

MISTER ROGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD, on the other hand, had a calming effect. After watching, the boys were kinder, gentler, and quieter. They played together instead of fighting. My house was infinitely more peaceful.

At the time, I didn’t take time to analyze why this was true, I just did the practical thing and banned He-Man. If I needed the kids to have screen time so that I could clean up the kitchen or do the laundry, we opted for MISTER ROGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD or the video disc Free to be You and Me.

Now, with much more experience under my belt including many years of working long hours, never missing an event, frequent travel, work-work-work-play-play-play and rarely saying no, I understand the importance of being still. Being present requires taking pauses to notice what has happened and how it makes us feel.

I know you may read that and say, “duh,” but look at how we live. We rarely pause between activities, much less during them. We fill our waking hours with movement, noise, and electronic distraction.

One of my grandchildren has 4 structured activity classes per week – he’s 9 months old! Will he be able to lie on his back, stare at the clouds smelling fresh-cut grass and feeling the solidness of the ground supporting him when he’s three or will he be lost without constant activity?

It seems we have some level of awareness that we need to increase our sense of well-being. Ways to increase wellness are often featured on morning TV. The number of people practicing yoga in the US has doubled since 2008. The mindfulness movement touts the health benefits of meditation.

In contrast, we see our friends, neighbors, and family members numb themselves with work, gaming, social media, TV, sex, food, alcohol, and drugs on a regular basis. Sometimes we see ourselves doing the same. If we know we need to feel better, and we know that slowing down to reflect and be present in the moment will help, why do we keep speeding forward?
speed
What’s difficult to admit, much less discuss, is what lies underneath a need to speed through life at a level of maximum distraction. If you have lived in an environment of chaos and/or danger to your physical or emotional well-being that you could not escape, it is excruciatingly hard to sit still and be present. It is also necessary if you are to heal the wounds your spirit has suffered.

It is in this context that I now view the phrase – speed kills. Speed kills our connection to our spirit. This removes us from knowing, accepting, and loving ourselves. It removes us from the very best parts of ourselves. At its worst, this disconnect allows us to act out our anger, hurt, and frustration in vindictive, destructive ways.

In the face of a tragic, hostile act, we often wonder – what kind of person would do that? Often the answer is simple: someone who has suffered in ways you cannot see and may not be able to imagine.

Remaining present and emotionally open in the face of violence, humiliation, rejection, neglect, or shunning, is intolerable for most everyone. It is absolutely healthy in those situations to engage in fighting, fleeing, freezing or fawning in order to protect yourself.

The problem is many, not just some, MANY of us have lived in an environment in which violence, humiliation, rejection, neglect, or shunning were the norm. Living in persistent, unrelenting physical and/or emotional danger creates wounds that are both physical and emotional and result in disconnection from ourselves. Constantly being in a state of fighting, fleeing, freezing or fawning creates long-term barriers to calm, peace, connection and joy.

When we have the strength and courage to sit still and be present, it opens the door for all the emotions we have been avoiding to come rushing in. This is a great opportunity to release those emotions and the hold they have over us. That’s easy to say, but terrifying and hard for many of us to do even if it is worth it in the long run.

I’ve spent years unraveling the knots in my stomach and my spirit. I know that I did not choose the environment that created them. I was born into it. Accepting this hasn’t eliminated the seemingly bottomless well of sadness I feel in my solar plexus. It hasn’t removed every trigger that can send me into an emotional flashback that I simply can’t outthink. (I know this isn’t some particular defect in me. Signals from the amygdala can override executive function, but it still feels terrifying and out of control.)

Mindfulness has helped me rewire my brain away from anxiety toward noticing small ways in which I feel good. I feel less braced for the (as I learned to view the world) next inevitable attack. My new level of awareness lets me deliberately shift my focus in order to feel better in a given moment.

I am painfully aware how difficult it can be to find support for a healing path. Even places we expect to provide a cushion for processing trauma, grief, depression, anxiety, and somatic symptoms – the therapist’s office, doctor’s office, church, or support groups, may not provide the type of support we need. Feeling unseen, unheard, dismissed, targeted, or misunderstood can leave us feeling even more alone and, sometimes, revictimized.

Healing can bring immediate improvement, but I do not know of a straight or swift path to wholeness. That journey is a process unique to each of us. The best support along the way is to be seen and accepted just as we are at any given moment.

Perhaps this is why I so appreciate Mister Rogers simple affirmation that he likes us just as we are. But I cannot fully receive that message unless I am sitting still.

http://www.doitnow.org/pages/psas.html

http://focusfeatures.com/wont-you-be-my-neighbor/

https://www.fredrogers.org/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_to_Be…_You_and_Me

https://tricycle.org/trikedaily/untold-story-america-mindfulness-movement/

http://childhood-developmental-disorders.imedpub.com/systematic-review-of-mindfulness-induced-neuroplasticity-in-adults-potential-areas-of-interest-for-the-maturing-adolescent-brain.php?aid=8553

https://seattleyoganews.com/yoga-in-america-2016-statistics/

https://www.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/domestic_violence2.pdf

http://besselvanderkolk.net/the-body-keeps-the-score.html

http://www.traumasensitiveyoga.com/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5518443/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/yoga-perfect-home-workout/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/sometimes-stop-order-start/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/travel-tip-17-stay-home/

Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”