It’s okay to acknowledge the toll it takes to be healthy. Huh? Sounds wrong, I know. If it’s taking a toll, is it healthy?
In an ideal world, discovering, then practicing, habits that lead to better health would not take the toll that it often does in the real world. This would be true even when a patient has an underlying condition that requires specialized steps toward health.
Diagnosing would look for the root cause. Diagnosis would be efficient, kind, and lead to individually tailored wellness plans. Change in standards of care would happen in a reasonable time frame when supported by research. Support systems would be readily available. Friends and family would be accepting and helpful. Institutions would not just require, but happily offer, accommodation.
If you have any sort of disability, chronic disease or condition, allergy, sensitivity to foods or medicines or chemicals, it is unlikely that you haven’t had a fight on your hands to get one or more of the above. I’m reminded of a three-year-old boy in my state who was told by a restaurant that he could not eat with his feet in spite of the fact that he has no hands. (1)
Like that situation, some fights are large and public. But often, the struggle is quieter and hidden – having to convince your doctor that any macrolide antibiotic makes you puke or itch; trying to get your healthcare provider to mask because you care for an immunocompromised family member who you could expose to everything the provider has been exposed to; being told your symptoms are all in your head when you’re suffering from a parasite; seeing the eyerolls when you push for food that doesn’t hurt you. When combined, insidious, dismissive, and cruel responses to your health needs over time may consume more of your day than the healthy habits you implement.
Does that tip the scale in favor of the status quo? Of course. Fighting for yourself may be a positive step, but it takes energy. Healing takes energy. Being proactively healthy takes energy. Your job and family take energy. And, as we all know, energy stores are limited. Not only that, emotional energy and physical energy are linked so when we become discouraged, we may also feel physically tireder.
Even those with seemingly boundless energy may be forced to skimp on time they would otherwise spend in creative, life-enhancing endeavors. And the thing is, when we get overwhelmed, sad, depressed, or grief-stricken by a situation we didn’t create but are doing our best to navigate, we often get ostracized, criticized, abandoned, or demonized. It’s hard not to take that personally. But taking it personally only exacts a greater toll on our psyche.
When we’re exhausted, marginally supported, and feeling as though every day includes a struggle, it’s impossible to see that the people, institutions, and systems who increase our burden as the problem. But very often they are:
People may not face our truth because it challenges their beliefs, comfort zone, or reality.
Institutions may not address their shortcomings because changes challenge the bottom line, top management, or generally accepted myths.
Systems may not accommodate because they need an underclass on which to pin flaws, cracks, or deliberate inequities. The needy are to blame for their own problem. If you exact a great enough price, this can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Humans are adept at creating categories that allow us to feel good about avoiding responsibility, slighting those who are less fortunate, denying others’ reality, and dismissing others’ pain. In short, we’re great at self-deception. And, as a whole, we increasingly lack the courage and fortitude required to question ourselves.
Pretending something isn’t true or doesn’t exist is a fast and easy way to let ourselves off the hook and ignore those who suffer the weight of what is. In a world that prefers pretend, it’s no wonder the toll of trying to be healthy and maintain healthy relationships goes unacknowledged, or is dismissed, or minimized.
If you begin to feel the cost of trying to be healthy may not be worth what it costs you, we get it. We struggle with the sense of grief and loss that comes with this recognition. We feel anger that over 20 years has brought little change to how disease is approached. And we know the exhaustion that comes from advocating for ourselves through systems that remain stacked against us.
The toll it takes to be healthy in an unhealthy culture is huge, not because there’s something inherently wrong with people who struggle, but because the deck is stacked against them. (Yes, there are some who will use this statement to avoid responsibility for not trying.) If you have no hands, we shouldn’t make it more difficult to eat with your feet. But we do.
The toll is real. It’s okay to observe this in action, feel how you feel about it, and say so. If someone chastises you, it does not make your experience wrong. It does not make speaking out wrong. It merely tells you something about who you’re dealing with. You can choose what to do with the information.
Beyond yourself, supporting others who are in a similar boat can be a kindness rarely afforded and hugely appreciated. When you have the ability to provide support, please do. When you need to pull back and reserve energy, it’s okay to say so.
Granting each other grace encourages healthy habits. Each tiny kindness lessens the price of the journey. As you become aware of the toll it takes, please remain aware that you and your health are worth the cost. You deserve to be your best!
