Tag: curious

When You’re Reeling

Sometimes, it can be hard to stop reeling. I just had much of my sewer line replaced. When they marked the underground utilities, they put a flag indicating the gas lines and painted an arrow toward the area that was marked for digging. Being one who makes lots of procedural plans for emergencies, my mind began to explore all the possible effects of a tractor nicking a gas line by my house.

I know full well the damage a slight gas line nick can do. The phone company in my hometown exploded one night after excavation work near the building. The break in the line was so small, the workers didn’t notice. But gas built up and at 4:33am something sparked.

The explosion awakened my parents who lived 8 miles away. Many buildings had to be razed, and others show lingering property damage 44 years later. Obviously, a tiny thing became a big thing.

With that memory and my general inclination to prevent or rehearse responses to dangerous situations, the sewer replacement risk had the potential to leave me reeling from possibilities that might never come to fruition. A similar thing can happen when we’re sent for a medical test. Sometimes, the potential for a life-threatening or chronic illness leaves us reeling to the degree it becomes debilitating. This can also happen after a traumatic event.

For most of us, most of the time, we’ll regain equilibrium fairly quickly. We just need a little time to process whatever it is that has thrown us off. But occasionally, some of us get stuck. We can’t stop spinning.

It’s okay to spin for awhile in most cases. But sometimes we don’t have that luxury. And no one needs to spin so long they can’t get out of that motion. Having a plan (example of my aforementioned planning propensity) before you find yourself in that situation can be helpful.

What can you do to lessen the reeling?

Be kind to yourself. Accept that everyone will have things that throw them off at times. It’s no reason to doubt yourself, hate yourself, or to feel stupid or inadequate. You’re not weak just because you’re momentarily overwhelmed. Being kind to yourself can help keep you from a spiral of negative self-talk.

Support your system. Do your best to consume fresh, healthy food at regular intervals. Drink plenty of water. Allow yourself plenty of time for sleep. Get outside if you can. Move – walk, dance, swim, do yoga, play tennis. Spend time with friends when you can. The body and mind are inseparable. Supporting your body will have positive benefits for your mental state as well.

Get curious. In my sewer situation, it helped to ask the contractor for more information about the process he would use. Who would he send? What king of equipment would be used? Where would they start digging? In a health situation, it’s okay to get curious as well. Your healthcare team can answer questions about next steps, treatment plans, and outcome statistics. Knowing you’re making informed decisions can help you stop reeling.

Feel your feelings. Don’t try to talk yourself out of your feelings. Don’t actively avoid them. Feelings will change more quickly if you’ll allow them to flow.

Sit with your fear. Reeling often includes fear that may manifest as confusion, irritability, or impatience. If you sit quietly with fear, it will eventually dissipate. With practice you’ll be able to move in and out of your feeling with a modicum of control. This will allow you to function and feel less helpless.

Talk to someone. Things that are kept secret sometimes take on a life of their own. And things often seem more daunting before you say them out loud. Talk to a friend or a professional. Just saying your feelings out loud can help you recenter.

Use somatic techniques to calm the lower brain. From breathing to movement to grounding, there are many techniques that can help calm your lower brain. Once the amygdala is calmed, executive function can return.

If you find you continue to be stuck in spite of your best efforts, consider seeking professional help. There are many types of therapy. Not all of them involve verbally regurgitating your problems. You are in control of choosing the practitioner and treatment option that feels most helpful.

Reeling is uncomfortable and unsettling. It can affect your relationships, parenting, and work performance. This may not be pleasant, but it may be a natural part of the process of coming to terms with new information. It’s only problematic if it becomes chronic. Otherwise, you can think of it as a twirl in the dance of life.

Dance it out and let it go.

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Curiosity is Empowering

Even if you believe it threatens your cat, curiosity is empowering. Actually, take it from a cat. Have you ever seen a cat that trusts your judgment more than its own?

Curiosity leads to greater knowledge.

Knowledge is powerful. Curiosity doesn’t have to lead you so deeply into a single field that you become an expert for it to be beneficial.

Perhaps you become an expert generalist. In the process you may recognize that you have learned the key to marketing to many diverse groups. That’s a valuable skill for every industry.

General knowledge can also equip you to understand the broad effects of policy or the interplay between multiple groups affected by urban planning. You don’t have to know how to wire a motor to understand the importance of the power it provides.

Curiosity can calm a restless mind.

My mind processes many things in rapid succession. It’s like free association in there all day long every day. That makes it tempting to be out of my chair more than I should be. But give me a computer problem, and I will sit for hours trying to puzzle through a diagnosis without realizing how much time has passed.

I’m so curious, I wind up in a concentration zone. And usually, I’m successful at piecing together a solution.

One way to gain power over restless thoughts is to get curious about a problem that needs to be solved. The time spent exploring, learning, and turning around the options will serve to focus your attention and calm the mind.

Curiosity can improve relationships.

Showing genuine interest in another’s life, interests, and feelings can build closeness and trust.

In the midst of an angry or hurtful exchange, becoming curious can give perspective and improve empathy. When you become curious rather than getting sucked into rage, frustration, or sadness, new insights may emerge that help you process the moment in a healthier, more productive way.

Knowing you can move in and out of a situation by using curiosity is a great tool and a powerful feeling.

Curiosity can help you forgive.

If you look back at the worst thing you’ve ever thought, done, or felt from a point of curiosity, it is easier to feel empathy for yourself. A shift happens when you ask, “I wonder why” rather than “how could I have?”

Wondering why is an exploration that can lead to insight. How could I have is an exploration that leads to blame. It’s a tiny shift in semantics and attitude, but it can have a tremendously positive effect, making it easier to forgive yourself. Once you’ve done that, it’s easier to forgive others.

Curiosity trumps denial.

Everyone lives in denial at some point. It rarely serves any of us well.

If you are ill, becoming curious about your diagnosis can help you forge a path that fits your priorities. Remaining in denial will leave you at the mercy of others’ recommendations and decisions.

If you remain in toxic relationships while denying that they’re toxic, you will never find resolution or improvement. Becoming curious about what you can do to help the situation can lead to behavioral changes that either help the situation or clarify that it should end.

When you feel you’re becoming overly stressed, using curiosity to determine how to reduce stressors can improve the quality of each day. It seems ironic that we have a tendency to run from problems rather than face them and ask, hmmm, I wonder why I feel that way; I wonder why that bothers me so much; I wonder how he feels when I say ______? Why avoid when just a tiny bit of curiosity can feel so empowering?

With so many benefits, I can’t think of a reason not to be curious!

Did Curiosity Kill the Cat or Give it 9 Lives? More Importantly, Can it Help You?

Can Really Big Buts Keep Us From Thriving?

Yes, the title of this post includes Big Buts and that’s not a typo. Why would I write about Big Buts, Butts, Butz or any other word that sounds the same? Well, I talk to a lot of people and a lot of the people I talk to seem to be controlled by Buts. After hours of listening, I’ve concluded that it’s very common for Really Big Buts to keep us from thriving.

Huh? Well, I know one person who says she wants her 25-year-old daughter to move out of the house and she’s given her a date by which to vacate, BUT that date has come/gone/morphed into a later date that’s come/gone. Why? Because she wants her to move out, BUT not enough to enforce a boundary, establish and enforce a consequence, ignore protests, and/or change the locks.

I have listened to a man who is behind on all his bills and feeling enormous amounts of anxiety rant, rave, yell, and whine that something has to change or he will crack, BUT he won’t consider selling his high end car with it’s $750 per month payment.

There’s the man who says he cannot stand the industry in which he currently works, BUT who will not consider taking a lesser title or small salary cut in order to transition to an industry with which he’s not familiar.

Then there’s my neighbor who at age 49 already has a pacemaker and defibrillator installed in his chest. He says he wants to work out regularly to get in shape, BUT he consistently skips more days per week than he participates.

So what’s the deal with all these Buts? From the outside looking in, it seems clear that the behavior of each of these folks guarantees that they will not get what they say they want. If you’ll listen, they can tell you exactly why they’re doing what they’re doing.

Here’s I’ve heard them say: “I don’t think my daughter can make it on her own without my help.” “If I buy a cheaper used car, I’ll end up spending more in maintenance than I’m spending on my car payment.” “I have a Masters degree and 20 years experience. I should be in management.” “It might rain tomorrow, so I don’t think I’ll meet you to walk.”

Once they’ve made these initial statements, I’ve listened for hours as they elaborate at length with details supporting their initial statement: “She has anxiety. What kind of mother would I be if I force her to move out?” “I already downgraded once. This car costs less than the one I had.” “I didn’t work my butt off for the last 20 years to have to have a peon job.” “I know you’ll probably want to go to the gym if I don’t walk, so I don’t want to wait until tomorrow to decide.”

And so it goes on, and on, and on, and on.

We all have blind spots that keep us from seeing how our behavior contributes to what we describe as our problems. Believe me, I’ve had some Big Buts in my time. So what have I learned about removing the blind spots so that we can get the outcome we desire?

First, we have to summon a tiny bit of courage. In order to make the most progress in the least amount of time, we must be willing to be brutally honest with ourselves. When we notice that there seems to be an area in our lives that we repeatedly SAY we want to change, but which stays the same over a long period of time, it is time to ask ourselves some tough questions.

The first question we must ask is, do we REALLY want what we say we want? If we determine that we do, then we must ask what we believe we will have to give up in order to get it. If we’re not willing to give up whatever it is we think we’ll have to give up to get what we want, then it is time to own that decision, change our rhetoric, and stop struggling. That’s one way to rid yourself of a Big But.

If we determine that we want what we say we want, and we believe that we are willing to give up, for instance, being too proud to temporarily take a lesser job, then we may have just solved our own problem by recognizing that our pride has been holding us back. Another Big But was just eliminated.

When we determine that we want what we say we want, BUT over and over our decisions lead us to a place where we can see no other option than one that keeps us stuck, we are dealing with a Really Big But. A Really Big But usually means that the process of getting what we want stands in direct opposition to the coping mechanisms we developed at a time in our lives when we believed we had no power but to figure out how to cope with the situation in which we lived.

Without consciously recognizing it, we behave as though getting what we want means giving up our power or our ability to deal with life. Our emotional survival feels threatened. Subconsciously, we sense that getting what we say we want will require us to go back and heal the wounds to which our coping is attached so rather than follow a path of change, we immediately dismiss new options in favor of relying on our long-ingrained coping patterns.

So when I have a Really Bit But, how do I get rid of it? Exercise, of course. I like to play a game I’ll call – But, I’m Curious. Here’s how it works:

A few years ago, I decided I wanted a better work/life balance. I understood that I needed to find a way to really get away from work – including the work that was always going on in my head, BUT I also had lots of very real deadlines, financial pressure, and a drive to excel. I tried to get some down time in the evenings, but whenever I was in my office or my house, I seemed to be constantly running a To Do list through my head. I was struggling to turn off the running mental list even on the weekends. I’d been trying and failing for months while complaining to 20 of my closest friends about needing a break. Finally, I started decided to replace my long-standing But with a new one.

Here’s the next question I asked myself – I see that I can’t seem to get out of work mode when I’m at home, BUT I’m curious what would happen if I spent a weekend somewhere else?

Hmmm. I had gotten my attention in a different way. Well, maybe I should give it a try and see. I did some research on inexpensive cabins at nearby state parks and decided I would spend one weekend per month away from home. It wasn’t much and at first I had trouble being still when I was away, but ultimately my work habits changed in a very real way.

Using curiosity to get me started makes change sound like an adventure. Besides, I’m just asking myself a question because I’m curious. Any answer to that question is okay. Anything I learn about myself in the process of answering it is good information to have. That feels like a very safe and easy way to be honest with myself. If I learn that my first plan still leaves me stuck, I just get curious about something else and see where that leads.

Another thing happens when I play But, I’m Curious. I learn more about my relationships because when I shift, everyone around me is forced to shift.

But, I’m Curious can lead you into the areas you need to heal, but as long as you stay curious throughout the process you will find the healing path that works best for you one step at a time. Imagine feeling free from having to cope. Imagine having the confidence that you can handle anything that comes along. Imagine believing that you are only limited by the choices you make. You CAN find a way to fix what needs fixing, BUT you have to really want it!