Tag: boundaries

With boundaries, this is where I draw the line. In general, I am patient and willing to work with people to find a reasonable solution. While I can be accommodating, I am not a pushover. There is a point at which I draw the line.

That’s the definition of a boundary–the point at which you draw the line. Living a calm, peaceful life requires good boundaries. Making decisions becomes easier once boundaries are well-defined. Children behave better when authority figures maintain and reinforce consistent boundaries. I’ll go so far as to say strong boundaries are critical to thriving.

Knowing or believing this doesn’t mean it’s always easy to draw a line and stick with it. There are enormous social pressures that can erode our resolve. There’s the fear that our parents or children will no longer accept us when we require them to respect a new perimeter. There are concerns that we will be ostracized by co-workers or disparaged on social media. And those things can happen. But when you are true to yourself and set well-thought, well-reasoned boundaries designed to create a positive, healthy environment in order to take care of yourself, it will improve your life. Period.

That will remain true even if a particular family member abandons you. If that happens, it is likely that you do not have a healthy relationship with that person now. Having to face that reality brings an opportunity to redefine your interactions or move on without guilt.

If a group chooses to ostracize you when you intentionally take care of yourself, that group does not have your best interest at heart. It may be time to reflect on the quality of your work in such an environment. Are you able to do your best? If not, it may be time for a change.

Your life will be enhanced by limiting contact with negative forces on social media in favor of positive experiences in person.

On Gluten-Free Labeled Foods
If I have experienced more than one dermatitis herpetiformis rash from a specific food that is labeled gluten-free, I do not eat it again whether or not it is recalled.

The great thing is, you don’t have to begin with terrifying boundaries to improve your life. You can build courage and strength by being true to yourself in everyday situations. I practice such boundaries daily. In fact, this is where I draw the line…

I do not eat anything a company labels gluten-free if that company has frequent recalls or more than one gluten-free product that triggers an autoimmune response.

For Restaurants
I will try any restaurant. If I encounter repeated errors in my orders, an eye roll if I ask for a new salad instead of one off which the croutons were removed, resistance in accommodating my shrimp allergy, a language barrier so great I do not believe I can communicate my dietary limits, an adverse response from a seemingly accommodating kitchen, or a refusal to make any necessary substitutions, I no longer patronize that restaurant regularly and may choose to stay away altogether.

I also stay away if the food is not enjoyable or is both mediocre and expensive.

With Physicians
If a physician will not willingly release my records to me, I will end our relationship.

If the office staff is consistently difficult, rude, and/or incompetent, I will move to another clinic.

If the doctor consistently does not listen and/or is not willing to discuss possible treatment plans, I will move on to another physician who includes me as part of the team. While Patient and Family Centered Care is the goal of many healthcare providers, it is not uncommon for a doctor to fail to include the patient’s input when forming a treatment plan.

If I discover a physician has lied to me regarding test results, we are done.

If a doctor diagnoses the cause of recurring pneumonia as something all-in-my-head, I will find a doctor who is willing to test that theory with an actual regimen of diagnostic tests.

Unfortunately, I have had each experience listed here. I no longer trust that the doctor is always right so drawing a line to improve my health and safety is not difficult.

For Vendors
I will not use a vendor’s service more than once if he raises the price on a quoted job after the job is done even though no changes were made on my end (including deadline). If he honors the quote, but informs me that he erred and cannot do that or a similar job for the same price again, then I will happily send him additional business.

If a vendor misses a critical deadline without giving me a heads up, we are most likely done. I understand that problems arise, but rarely is it impossible to communicate that problem.

When a company deliberately or repeatedly misrepresents product quality, specifications, or safety, I will think and research carefully before choosing any item from its product line.

With Family and Friends
I hope for straightforward, genuine interactions. I am willing to give wide berth when I recognize someone is under duress. I will let temporary lapses or inadvertent mistakes and bad decisions slide unless and until a pattern emerges that is violent, destructive, toxic, or otherwise harmful to me or to children who cannot defend themselves. That is where I draw the line.

A Deal is a Deal
There are times when I cannot consciously explain in the moment why the line is where it is because it is not an intellectual decision. It is visceral.

I once sold a gas kitchen range because I was about to move to another state. The range worked the morning that the buyer unhooked it and hauled it away. The next day, the guy showed up at my door and told me I had sold him a broken stove.

I was in my early 20s and home with only my grandmother and infant son. I did not open my screen door, but I remember talking to him through it as though it were made of steel.

I calmly, but strongly assured him it had worked prior to him moving it. There was a prolonged conversation in which he argued the opposite and I did not budge. Finally, he left.

After he drove away, my grandmother looked at me and said, “I didn’t know you had that in you. I would never cross you after hearing that!”

I don’t remember feeling angry. I just stood there thinking I knew I had done nothing wrong and there was no way some stranger was going to convince me I had. I suppose you could call it the courage of conviction. I’m not sure. I just know there’s a point beyond which you cannot push me. Period.

And that is where I draw the line.