Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
When I hear this, my first thought is, I hope they’re comfortable and stylish ‘cause that’s what I require in shoes. But to the subject at hand, it’s a good admonishment to be reminded that everyone’s burden is different and not all wounds are visible.
Some of us take this admonishment to heart. We go so far as to put ourselves into the shoes of our most difficult family, friends, or co-workers before holding them accountable for the hurt or chaos they cause us. This feels like an appropriate, compassionate approach.
We imagine the fear our cousin will feel if we refuse to fund their project in spite of their failure to repay our previous loans. We feel the devastation our parent will feel if we cut off connection even though their drinking is out of control. After all, we’d feel devasted if our children no longer wanted to connect with us. We feel the hurt a sibling will feel when we won’t let them live with us because they bring dangerous people home with them in spite of our request for them not to. Often, this stops us from maintaining good boundaries.
So should we walk in someone else’s shoes?
Yes, it’s a helpful exercise. The problem with the above scenarios is they aren’t describing walking in someone else’s shoes at all. They’re describing us imagining the offender walking in our emotional shoes.
In other words, yes, we would feel afraid, devastated, or hurt in the situations we imagine. But someone who is willing to take advantage of us, betray us, or disrespect our boundaries may not have the same emotional landscape we do. They may not feel their actions are at all problematic and the resulting damage to our relationship may not phase them.
It’s hard to get your mind around the idea that a parent might not care whether they ever see us again or a brother would allow someone who would hurt us into our home. It changes how we see people who we’d like to believe care for us. Of course, we expect them to have a similar point of view. But they may not.
Having the perspective and courage to work through complicated relationships is not easy. It can take significant support and years of peeling back layers of memories and feeling. But making sure that you don’t project your point of view onto someone else can make the process go faster.
Believe behavior more than words. Observe body language that doesn’t match what is being said. Take note of unreliable behavior, manipulation of facts, outright lies, and attempts to convince you how you feel is invalid. These are all clues that your experience differs from the other person’s in ways that may mean you will never understand their emotional reasoning.
And you don’t need to. You don’t have to understand why someone repeatedly hurts, betrays, abuses, gaslights, or is dishonest with you. It may be interesting or helpful, but it is not necessary to walk a mile in their shoes. It is not necessary to try to repair a relationship that hasn’t and may never exist in the way you’d hoped. It is not necessary to keep the door open.
All you need to do is set boundaries that will allow you to grow and be your best self. Those can be whatever they need to be. And you can change them if the situation or your needs change.
Withholding judgement, granting grace, and baseline human kindness are all good. Attempting to understand how someone feels is good.
Twisting yourself into a pretzel for someone who treats you with disregard is not good for anyone, even if you have walked a mile in their shoes.
