Water may always boil at the same temperature, but humans reach their boiling point quicker when conditions are stressful. Think of stress as water from the hot water tank. If you fill your pot with hot water from the faucet, it will boil faster than if you fill it with cold water.
Many of us currently live in situations that feel like hot water. A tiny bit of added stress can feel like the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. We boil over before we even see our response coming.
Here, the heat and humidity add stress earlier and earlier each year. It doesn’t take much to set off a driver who has just jumped in a hot car. Road rage becomes a bigger risk.
Frequent surgeries can keep a parent from their children. On top of that, the child may see all sorts of frightening equipment when they visit the hospital. If that child is then made fun of at school, their reaction may be 10 times larger than it would have been before. Labeling as a problem child becomes a bigger risk.
A disabled family member may require hours of care each week leaving caregivers without time for recreation or rest. This may lead to impatience with spouses or children from the most previously patient person in the family.
When one person in a family or group that lives together begins to express themselves differently, it affects everyone. That can be a tough pill to swallow when we self-reflect. We may recognize that we have inadvertently become a cog that contributes to stress in our family.
As hard as it may be to realize we are part of the problem, we can choose to see it as great news. Perhaps not immediately. We may have to process feelings of shame or guilt, inadequacy or fear. But once we have enough perspective to be clear-headed, we can embrace our power to change the situation.
A lot of us spend way too much time trying to control what happens around us when the only thing we can really change is ourselves. But changing ourselves will also change what happens around us. We may be able to lower the temperature in our homes with some simple changes to how we relate within our families.
Sounds easy to say the words, but we all know it’s extremely difficult. And when dysfunction abounds, it can be hard to change while keeping our self-image intact. The system may push back against change by doubling-down to force us back into familiar patterns.
This response can put us in a frustrating and/or painful position. Any time someone we rely on for support seems to continually disagree or push back when we were previously in sync, it can affect how we view ourselves and our decisions. Even with strong resolve, we may begin to question ourselves or long to reconnect with such fervor that we acquiesce to the pressure.
The problem is that dysfunctional connection is still dysfunctional. It may feel familiar, even normal, and for a moment, less stressful, but we are sacrificing long-term stress relief for short-term calm.
Writing this, I realize I unintentionally described the cyclic pattern of domestic abuse which also boils over. I really meant to focus on recognition of baseline stress and our ability to change ourselves in service of reducing it. Now, I feel a need to address the perils of changing ourselves for peace.
If changing yourself threatens an oppressive, violent, abusive living situation, you should absolutely change AND GET OUT! Get protection. Get support. Get out. Right now, I’m speaking to adults. For children, it’s a lot more complicated and requires a separate post.
Adults, this is the voice of experience. You CAN find a way and you are worth it. Anyone who has told you or made you feel as though you must live with domestic abuse is WRONG, that you are less than is WRONG, that you deserve the stress you’re living in is WRONG. I don’t care how rich, educated, connected, famous, or “respected” they are. THEY WERE/ARE WRONG.
You can love them and forgive them down the road if you want or choose to, but for now, focus on the damage they cause and leave. You can take a minute to get your ducks in a row and be strategic in order to be safe. But the longer you stay, the harder it will be to follow through.
And if it requires reaching your boiling point to propel you out the door, temporarily ignore the first part of this post and get there quicker. Just be aware that not getting out the door is the real problem. Once you prioritize setting boundaries and leaving, you’ll be on the path to reducing baseline stress and lowering your boiling point. You’ll also be closer to finding a path to heal and keep it low.
When you live with a significant amount of baseline stress, it’s even more important to eat well, move, get outside, and get enough rest. Challenge yourself enough to feel a sense of accomplishment. Rest enough to feel renewal. Every health regimen includes these basics for a reason. They work.
And now, I must go out into the ridiculous heat that will RAISE MY STRESS! But I won’t stay long. Take care!
