goals – in thriver words

Personal Space

We all know we need personal space to feel comfortable, but how often do we think about the space we take up in society? Watching the Olympics this year, I’m struck by how much broadcast time has been spent featuring nonathlete celebrities.

Movie stars, TV stars, stadium-filling musicians, pro athletes, influencers, YouTubers, and TikTokers take up an increasing amount of space in our everyday experience. It can make us question how we fit into the puzzle. What if we only have 25 followers and get no likes?

How do we know if we’re filling the space we’re meant to fill in the world?

Let me begin with, I don’t know the answer. As grounded as I like to think I am, this question perplexes me. Filling any space we occupy with character, integrity, reliability, hard work, dedication, humor, kindness, thoughtfulness, affection, and love felt sufficient before the invasion of the internet. From that beginning point, I could have large or small goals and still be satisfied with my life.

I heard the same message we give children now – you can be anything you want to be. But it feels like something has shifted in how we view significance. That makes me question how hard to push, how much to invest, what to fight for, and when to be satisfied.

I don’t think I’m alone. Some of the reminders to enjoy the process are based on a need to feel satisfied in a world in which it seems increasingly impossible to come out on top because not everyone will be famous.

I mean, the athletes at the Olympics are superior in their field. And yet, their airtime at an event specifically to showcase their talent and training is being co-opted by people who are just there to watch.

It is hard to find your footing when your best qualities seem invisible, or worse, are dismissed as unimportant. How do you feel significant if the primary examples of significance revolve around fame?

How do you learn you’re important when your parent is engrossed in a screen while you’re dancing your legs off to get their attention?

How do you develop a sense that you can make a difference when no one appreciates the person who makes a difference for you?

How can you learn who you really are if you’re busy chasing the legitimacy gained by fame or fortune? And how can you know what you’re capable of if you rely on a husband or children to provide significance? (I am not against marriage or children. There are significant contributions to be made by being a supportive partner and parent – perhaps the most significant. I’m specifically referring to relying on a role or title in place of mindful exploration of your gifts, abilities, and values.)

Is it important to be the best or to do your best?

How do you measure when to fight and when to quit?

What do you consider significant?

What makes you feel fulfilled?

What contribution can you make?

These aren’t questions of the moment. They’re age old. But our current fishbowl is larger, visible to more people, has swift waves, and distorts reality. The space in which we live has changed.

How do we change accordingly to define the personal space we hope to occupy?

Today, I’m just going to leave you with questions. You’re living the answers you’ve come up with so far. Periodically exploring options can lead to another level of mindfulness regarding the space we occupy, greater satisfaction we have landed where we intended, or the discovery that we have far exceeded our previous goals. Questions are always worth asking.

Dream Big?

Is it always good to dream big? I would never be one to discourage anyone from pursuing their dreams. I’m a huge proponent of going after whatever you want. But I see a number of people who don’t make the first step toward any dream because they’ve dreamed so large the stakes feel too high.

Conventional wisdom is that you must be able to dream something to make it so. Maybe that’s true. But only dreaming something will never make it real. That may be overstating a little. There are flukes, coincidences, and fortuitous things that may dump a dream in your lap. But those rarely happen without some prior positioning on your part.

So, when do dreams become a stumbling block?

When they are too dazzling. Some dreams are so big and shiny they seem impossible. If we believe they aren’t possible, they won’t be. We will subconsciously thwart every practical step we could take toward making them so.

When they don’t align with our values. Sometimes we dream of doing something in order to earn someone else’s approval or acceptance. If you value time with family but follow the dream of landing a job that requires long hours you may feel too conflicted to fully enjoy reaching that goal.

When the dream is rigid. If you dream of having a diamond song (10 million sales) and you feel bad because you only reach gold (500,000 recordings) your dream may be too rigid. Being able to shift enough to embrace and enjoy many levels of success is key for a dream not to become a detriment.

When a dream requires equipment or time beyond your means. The larger the dream, the more training or equipment it may require. If that equipment is too far out of reach, you are shooting your dream in the foot before you ever start.

When it sounds good on the surface but feels bad underneath. Some dreams sound wonderful when we hear ourselves tell them to other people. And some dreams feel the same way. Others sound good but feel so threatening that we may freeze and be unable to pursue them.

When they won’t really improve our lives. I know a ton of people who dreamed of owning huge homes. They finally bought one about the time their kids all went to college. The larger home cost more to furnish, brought larger utility bills, higher insurance premiums, and more required maintenance. It also took longer to clean. This meant less time and money to travel or do fun things with the kids.

When they make us feel unworthy. I may dream of being the fastest runner on the track team. I can run every day. I can do everything my coach asks. I will never be the fastest. I have short legs and adequate athletic ability. If I focus on being the fastest, I will always come up short.

Does that mean I’m not a valuable team member? Not necessarily. Long races require stamina more than speed. That’s an area in which I might contribute. Pole vaulting requires timing and coordination. But if I remain focused on my dream of being the fastest, I may not see these as options. I may feel inadequate and unworthy of my place on the team.

Perhaps I mention this because of the reaction I get when I tell my children I ran hurdles as a kid. I’m 5’1” now. I’ve always been short. The idea of me running hurdles sends them into fits of giggles every time it’s mentioned.

But I wasn’t a disaster. I could feel the rhythm of the run and it was no problem to clear the hurdles. I also ran cross-country. My times were much more competitive in that than in sprints which brings me to…

When they’re too specific. If I had dreamed of being a successful member of the track team, I achieved the dream. If I had dreamed of being the fastest on the track team, I failed. The only difference in the dreams is the specificity.

Dreaming is good. Believing that you can achieve is good. But dreaming big? That can go either way.

Leave the Past Behind

It’s the last day of the year and time to leave the past behind! Aren’t most New Year’s resolutions about change? Doesn’t change mean leaving something behind? So, maybe keeping those resolutions is as simple as focusing on the past rather than the future.

I know that sounds counterintuitive, but paradox reigns king in the world of personal growth. Not to mention, looking toward the future seems to work for less than 10% of us so there can’t be much harm in trying something different. But how does focusing on the past help us leave it behind?

It helps us define what we’re leaving.

Let’s say my resolution is to brush my teeth the full two minutes that are recommended each and every time I brush. If I pay attention to how long that two minutes seems, I’m likely to cut it short. If I think of the gritty teeth, bleeding gums, and pain in the dentist’s office I’m leaving behind, it’s easier to stick out the full amount of time.

Many of us resolve to save money in the coming year. When you see that next cute pair of shoes you don’t need but want to buy, looking back and thinking of that sinking feeling you had last time you looked at your retirement account balance can help you remember why this resolution is important. Leaving behind that sinking feeling may just be more important than another pair of shoes adorable though they may be.

Looking back allows us to honor and appreciate those things that served us well at a previous stage of life.

If you enjoyed your job and colleagues while getting a degree, you may be hesitant to follow your resolution to look for a new job once you graduate. Your coworkers have been partners in preparing you for this next step. Allowing yourself to express appreciation for their contributions can help you realize that you are honoring their efforts by pursuing your dreams.

Perhaps you have gradually recognized that you and your fiancé are no longer a good fit, but you still love him. If you keep looking forward, it will be tempting to only see the regret you have that the relationship didn’t turn out as you had hoped. This places your attention on pain and regret rather than on gratitude and joy. Once you find a way to honor what the relationship has given you, it will be much less difficult to let it go. And you can choose to hold onto good memories.

Looking back lets us reassess.

Sometimes we have wanted something for so long, we fail to recognize that having it now would no longer improve our lives. If we got that national sales job, it would mean weeks away from our newborn son. If we purchased that huge house now that the kids are gone, we’d just have more rooms to clean. If we open a bed and breakfast, we’ll have lots of cleaning and cooking every day at a time when we’d rather play with our grandchildren. We may still be tempted to pursue all of those goals unless we look back to see how our situation and feelings have changed.

Looking back gives us an opportunity to review our attachments.

Attachment to the feeling we had when we ate our grandmother’s cookies may interfere with our resolution to limit cookie consumption. Attachment to the comfort we felt when our mother fed us mac & cheese when Dad had to work late can send us searching for unlimited pasta during lonely or disappointing times. Once we know what we’re looking for is a certain feeling, we can explore different options for generating that feeling. Perhaps the smell of cookies baking is enough. Perhaps painting, drawing, or writing provides a comforting shift.

Looking back with courage can let us see what we already know is true.

If you have resolved to treat yourself better in the New Year, you must first recognize those ways in which you are not kind to yourself. Perhaps you don’t ask for help when you need it. Perhaps you don’t make enough time for rest. Perhaps you never give yourself credit for your accomplishments. When you look back, you may spot patterns of behavior that are so deeply ingrained they feel normal.

Healing the wounds life has delivered is a valuable resolution for any new year. For those of us who grew up in chaos and dysfunction, looking back with a realistic eye can require great courage. It can be much easier to press frenetically forward in avoidance of lingering feelings than to stop, engage, and begin to process what you know on a visceral level. But going back to re-engage with your body, emotions, and spirit is the only pathway to lasting change. You cannot white knuckle a better life for yourself. Your subconscious (the part of you that knows what you refuse to see) will keep you stuck.

Focusing on the past gives us a chance to forgive ourselves, say goodbye, and allow ourselves to be different.

Hopefully you are not currently defining yourself by something that happened in your past you believe is unforgivable, the way someone else views you, or what’s being said on social media. If you are, all things can change! You can learn to forgive yourself, say goodbye to the old, and allow yourself to shift toward becoming your best self. It is never too late!

Whether we make New Year’s resolutions or not, most of us think about how to improve our lives. We seek fun, excitement, security, contentment, and joy to balance the weight of our responsibilities. Taking a moment to focus on the past can be the key to leaving it behind for good. That’s a moment I’m willing to take so I’ll be ready to move joyously into the New Year.

I wish you peace, calm, inspiration, and playfulness in 2019!

https://www.forbes.com/sites/kevinkruse/2016/12/26/7-secrets-of-people-who-keep-their-new-years-resolutions/#735e7ea27098

https://www.shutterfly.com/ideas/happy-new-year-messages/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/answer-the-big-questions/

http://www.cooking2thrive.com/blog/stop-struggling-start-thriving/

Think Going Gluten-Free is Hard – Visualization Can Help

Think going gluten-free is hard – visualization can help! In spite of increased awareness and availability of gluten-free foods, many of us still find the idea of remaining totally gluten-free intimidating. We just can’t imagine actually having to walk past every croissant displayed in a bakery case in France. We find the thought of giving up our grandmother’s cherry pie with its perfectly flaky pie crust unfathomable. We don’t know what we’ll grab when we’re too hungry and dinner won’t be ready for an hour. Rethinking our habitual lunch spot feels like we’re losing our best friend.

Our mind may tell us there’s plenty of information available and the process won’t be difficult, but it feels monumentally hard. We just can’t see ourselves as bread free, pasta free, doughnut free, cake free, or fried chicken free for a week, much less a lifetime. When you think about it, if we can’t “see” it, it’s unlikely we’ll be able to accomplish it. In fact, if we can’t see it, we may not even be able to consistently take that first step toward making it happen. We’ll stick with what we can see in our mind’s eye.
visualize
When I was learning to slalom waterski, I kept falling at the same spot in the wake in the same way over and over again. I remember someone telling me the problem was that I’d learned to fall. Huh? But it was true. When I thought about crossing the wake, what I saw in my mind’s eye was me falling. I didn’t fear it, I just knew it would happen. I had learned to fall.

If we don’t change what we envision, we will subconsciously stick with what we’ve learned. We’re bad at math. We are weak. We are unreliable. We can’t cook. We’ll never amount to anything. We’re lazy. Are we? Do we have to be or have we adopted someone else’s vision of us? Can we see ourselves getting a tutor and excelling at math, lifting weights and becoming strong, only saying yes when we know we can deliver, practicing until cooking seems easy, excelling in life, or working energetically? Changing how we view ourselves can facilitate us changing everything!

Coaches know that visualization can improve athletic performance. In addition to time on the court, they may have a player envision him/herself making free throw after free throw. Scientific studies have shown that visualization does, in fact, improve athletic and academic performance. Pilots-in-training are encouraged to chair fly their airplanes, or, in other words, to visualize themselves flying. Life coaches may incorporate visualization to help a client conquer an obstacle.

When you think about it, this makes perfect sense. If you can see yourself doing something, it’s no big deal to do it. It just feels natural. On the other hand, if you can’t see yourself doing something, it’s a challenge to make the first step toward getting started.

The type of visualization I’m describing isn’t daydreaming. It’s an engaged practice directed to achieve a goal or overcome an obstacle and it can be practiced. For instance, let’s say my greatest difficulty going gluten-free is how I will explain to my elderly aunt that I can’t eat her beef stroganoff. I will create images of myself in which I am brave, strong, and kind when communicating this to her. I imagine myself engaging in some activity that comforts me before and after the communication. Obviously, I can’t control her response, so my visualization focuses on me practicing self-care while addressing my obstacle.

This can go further. I can mentally rehearse several possible responses to my aunt’s imagined reactions. In other words, I can visualize many options I can employ to keep myself feeling centered, supported, and strong. I can also give myself permission to remove myself from the communication if my aunt becomes hysterical, abusive, or unkind. Imagining the many options I have and seeing myself feeling okay no matter how she responds builds my emotional muscles in advance.

With better developed emotional muscles and a mental picture of my many options, I can go into an uncomfortable conversation feeling strong and prepared. Whatever the response, I am prepared to see myself as a person who deserves to be healthy. Remaining gluten-free is critical to my health, so I will remain gluten-free and I will be kind to those who don’t understand because they cannot make me feel bad about treating myself well.

Perhaps your greatest obstacle is financial. It is true that much of the gluten-free convenience food available is more expensive. Gluten-free flours are also more expensive than wheat flour. You can visualize yourself feeling satisfied and happy eating meat, vegetables, cheese, yogurt, fruit, rice, quinoa, beans, lentils, cornbread, corn tortillas, and homemade trail mix. As you imagine roasted chicken, chicken enchiladas, grilled chicken breasts, beef stew, beef roast, grilled steak, pork chops & rice, pork tenderloin, grilled tilapia, fresh green beans with new potatoes, black beans & rice, grapes, peaches, pears, bananas, baked sweet potatoes, sautéed squash & onions, steamed carrots or broccoli, you’ll soon recognize the options are plentiful even on a budget.

Visualizing will also make it easier to develop a pantry plan for your family, meal plans for busy weeks, travel plans so that you always have good gluten-free options, and plans for attending parties or events. As you see yourself successfully navigating these areas, a gluten-free lifestyle will seem less daunting.

Being able to see what can be rather than what will no longer be mitigates the feeling of loss we all experience when we give up something familiar. Visualizing yourself as the pain free, energetic self you used to be can help motivate you to stick with a gluten-free path in order to heal. Seeing yourself enjoying life without a foggy brain, constant itching, tummy pain and discomfort, weakness and fatigue, or achy muscles is great motivation for giving the lifestyle a try.

Can you be successful in maintaining a gluten-free lifestyle to be healthy? Yes, you can! I can see it now!

And when you struggle, we’re always here to help: support@cooking2thrive.com.

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/8b20/b4ff5ccdb04dee8f8928f8b7fc6ea5c9772f.pdf

http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2190/X9BA-KJ68-07AN-QMJ8

http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/01/18/4-unconventional-steps-extremely-successful-people-take-in-life/#more-800