powerful – in thriver words

Time to Decide

This excruciating year is winding down and now it’s time to decide. Will we use the disruptions of 2020 as an opportunity to learn and improve, or will we dig in our heels and double down on pre-pandemic positions? Will we choose to explore our values and priorities and then realign our lives around them, or will we claw our way back to a sense of 2019 normal? What we make of this year is not up to a new administration or a health crisis. What we make of this year is up to us.

I’ve seen the resignation on faces. I’ve heard it in voices. It feels as though many of us see ourselves as helpless right now. Being resigned to helplessness is a slippery slope. If we are helpless then what we do doesn’t matter so we may as well do whatever we want and consequences be damned.

Sometimes our thinking isn’t so blatantly rebellious. We just reason our way around anything that might shake our established beliefs. And it happens so quickly we don’t even know we’re doing it. Perhaps it’s normal when faced with uncertainty to grab onto the nearest comfort or run from new thoughts. I’m not sure.

I am certain what we do makes a difference even when we can’t immediately see the results. So as we wind down this year in the midst of an accelerating health crisis, I encourage you to trust yourself enough to approach the coming year with the belief that what you do matters.

Most of us can change one thing we never believed we could change. In changing that one thing, we open the door for vast positive contributions to our selves, our families, and our communities.

If you have trouble making that leap, try asking yourself the questions below. Then take one of the answers and do it. It doesn’t have to look like anything you’ve thought of before. It doesn’t have to be accomplished to any certain standard. Just think of this as a learning experience.

Let’s begin the experience of learning to make a difference:

What’s one thing I’ve learned about myself in 2020 that surprised me?

Is there a way I can use that knowledge to improve my life or my community?

What’s one thing I am willing to give up so that I have time for ___________(that thing you say you want to do but never get around to)?

What’s one thing I am willing to give up to help my friend?

What’s one thing I’d do differently if I felt appreciated?

What’s one thing I’d do differently if I felt like part of a winning team?

What’s one thing I can do that will make my life better?

What’s one thing I can do that will make my family’s life better?

What’s one thing I can do that will make a friend’s life better?

What’s one thing I can do that will make a stranger’s life better?

What’s one thing I would do if I were brave?

What’s one ability I have that I can use differently?

What’s the worst thing I’ve ever done? If my friend did that, would I forgive them?

What can I do to be a better listener?

What’s one thing I’m willing to say no to?

What’s one unexplored solution to an ongoing problem?

What’s one feeling I always avoid and what would change if I felt it?

What’s one habit I want to give up?

What’s one habit I want to develop?

Yes, these are simple questions. But so often we fail to take the first step toward significant improvement or significant contribution because we imagine the task as so large that we resign ourselves to failure. But once change has begun, it’s just a matter of commitment and time before you see that what you’ve done has made a difference.

Knowing you can make a difference even in the worst of circumstances will equip you to weather any storm that changes your life’s course without the need to control the outcome. I know it may just sound like words right now, but try it. See what happens.

2021 is upon us. Like 2020 it will not be a cakewalk. We can choose to make a difference and become captains of our own destiny, or we can hold back and feel helpless. If you’re not sure which way to go, now is the time to decide.

I choose to make a difference.

Do Something About It or Let It Go?

How do you know whether to do something about it or let it go? Last week, I saw a news story in which a mother gave her 10-year-old son some sage advice. The son was angry that some graves in the veteran’s cemetery where his grandfather was buried did not have flags on them. After a few hours of listening to him complain, his mom told him simply that he needed to do something about it or let it go.

That’s the best parenting I’ve seen in a long time. It’s also great advice for all of us. Complaining, ranting, and raving on their own just leave us feeling powerless and increasingly angry. Eventually this affects those around us, poisoning our relationships and social interactions. Observing injustice for what it is and bringing it to light are important steps toward facilitating change. Unfortunately, the complaint phase is an easy place to get stuck.

There’s a ton of injustice in the world. There is avoidable tragedy, inexcusable cruelty, disregard for those who are different, deliberate predatory behavior, negligent laziness, and power-grabbing manipulation. That’s a short list. The real list is long, long, long, unending, overwhelming, and impossible for any one of us to fix.

That means we have decisions to make when we feel the crushing effect of personal dismissal or the heartstring pull of another’s adversity. Should we leave the affluent doctor who verbally abuses our children or should we just rant about what a jerk she is and continue to let her support us? Should we continue to give low pricing to the customer who always wants extra thrown in or should we raise the price and risk losing the business? Should we consider adopting a child even though we’re in our 50s? Should we sue our employer who has fired three different employees because they used sick leave to be present after their wife gave birth? Should we buy our 16-year-old a brand new car, or buy a used car and spend the rest of the money to buy a car for a working single mother whose car just died?

Many of these decisions are difficult, multilayered, and complicated. Our decisions will have ripple effects. Of course it’s easier to rant, rave, and complain about injustice than it is to make a deliberate decision to do something or let it go.

But what is it that really stops us? Is it fear, weakness, or the belief that we have no power? Or does that even matter? Does examining, reexamining, and trying to understand ourselves only lead to paralysis?

Can we be better served by practicing the process of making a choice to do something about it or let it go? Or as my grandmother would have said, to “stop stewing in your own juice.” Let’s start with a simple issue and explore what that process would look like.

Scenario 1 (Complain)
I observe that my contractor only shows up 1 out of 3 times that he’s scheduled.
I tell my sister how annoyed I am.
I schedule him again.
He stands me up again.
I more heatedly tell my sister how annoyed I am, then I also tell my neighbor, my uncle, and several other people.
I reschedule the contractor again.
This time, he texts me, but he still doesn’t show.
I call everyone I complained to before and rant this time throwing in a few “why me?” questions like, “Why is it always me who gets stood up?”
I feel angry and powerless.

Scenario 2 (Do something)
I observe that my contractor only shows up 1 out of 3 times that he’s scheduled.
I tell my sister how annoyed I am.

I begin the process of determining whether I will let him go and find someone new, or try to work this problem out with him.
Here’s how that works:
I review why I chose this contractor…
He’s inexpensive, he does quality work, and he’s fast.
I compare him to other contractors I’ve used…
When he shows up, he’s 80% better than 90% of them.

I decide that it is best to do something to try to make this relationship work.

I set boundaries I can feel good about…
One no show with a text is acceptable. A no show without notice or a 2nd no show with or without notice will be grounds for firing him.
I call the contractor to reschedule…
I tell him simply that I like his work, but he needs to show up more consistently or we won’t be able to work together any more. Then I tell him my specific boundaries. I state them in a clear, concise, straightforward, matter-of-fact manner. I do not apologize or pressure.

I schedule him again…
We’ll see what happens. No matter what, I have a plan. I no longer feel angry or helpless. I won’t feel bad if I have to fire the guy because I know I clearly stated my expectations. The decision is now his. If he chooses to show up, he has a job. If he chooses not to, he doesn’t.
I feel relieved.

Scenario 3 (Let it go)
I observe that my contractor only shows up 1 out of 3 times that he’s scheduled.
I tell my sister how annoyed I am.

I decide that it is best to hire someone I can rely on in order to make my deadline.

I let the contractor know that I can no longer work with him on my project because I have a deadline. I move on and hire someone else.
While I will not recommend the fired contractor for deadline projects, I might tell someone to consider him when there’s no deadline. I feel no need to trash him on social media, continue to complain about him to my family, or even think about him again. I just let it go.
I feel relieved.

Obviously, this is a simple scenario I’ve described, but the more I practice the process, the easier it becomes to follow that process even when the relationships are closer and the feelings more complicated. The resulting peace and freedom I feel each time I embrace my power to do something about it or let it go builds my desire and courage to repeat the process.

And that little boy who received the advice from his mother? He chose to do something. He has now placed over 20,000 flags on veteran’s graves. Thanks Preston Sharp for your service, and thanks mom for your wisdom!

See the story here:
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/california-boy-11-becomes-the-pied-piper-of-patriotism/

Removing Our Performance From the Context

Achieving our goals may be as simple as putting removing our performance from the context. Did you watch the World Cup wondering how the players were able to focus in spite of the incredible pressure of competing against the best of the best with the eyes of the entire world on them?
stadium
One of the secrets to success on this level is a training technique used by top athletes. That technique is to remove the task from the context. For instance, the basketball player shooting a free throw in a pressure situation has repeatedly practiced standing at a free throw line which is always the same distance from a goal that is always consistent in height and circumference, shutting his eyes, and making the shot. When he’s at the line in the last seconds of a game with his team two points behind, the player has been coached to remove the context from the task and shoot exactly like he does in practice. Use of this technique minimizes the psychological pressure of the specific situation and allows the player to perform consistently. Players who visualize and best master this concept are those who become dependable winners.

When we watch these winning athletes play, we often describe them as poised, composed, and cool under pressure. We recognize that they possess an air of confidence and we see that this gives them an advantage over their opponent. We also often believe that they are different from us. Not only are they physically superior, they must have mental superpowers or exceptional toughness. Some of us compare ourselves to these winners and determine that we can never compete at their level.

Because we know we are not professional or top tier athletes, we may fail to realize the impact on our psyche of having just compared ourselves to winners and determined we cannot measure up. Those of us who fall into the comparison trap (and to compare ourselves is always a trap) carry this judgement into our own fields of endeavor. We feel inadequate, inferior, shamed, and limited. Without even knowing it, we direct ourselves to feel afraid to step into the fullness of our own power and potential. Even so, we desire to be winners, so we try hard. Then we try harder. We work longer hours. We meet our goals, but we feel no joy. We feel no sense of accomplishment because we do not believe that we’re perfect or the best, so we do not allow ourselves to believe that our achievements count. We keep chasing perfection or promotion. We keep trying to win, but instead bend to outside pressure or begin to believe others’ perceptions of us.

We are aware enough to know that we want to feel better, so we create context designed to accomplish that purpose – We tell ourselves things like: I don’t know why my husband doesn’t realize how special I am and how much I give to everyone around me. I would have reached my sales goals if the company distributed accounts fairly. I work with a bunch of boors who have no taste and aren’t nearly as sophisticated as I am. I was on track for a promotion until my coworker started schmoozing our boss so he picked her instead. None of our assistants ever give me complete work so I spend all my time fixing their mistakes rather than excelling at my job. I always attract cheaters. I need a better job, but no one is hiring. There’s no way to have a full social life if I’m totally gluten-free. I can’t possibly find the time to cook with all the other things my family wants me to do.

This list will grow and evolve and provide the underpinning for the circular road of fear we are following. Our footsteps on this circular path get deeper and deeper. We create a groove and wear it into a smooth chute along which we glide round and round and round forward then backward again and again. Round, and round, and round, we are stuck and have disavowed ourselves of all responsibility for it. We believe we are limited by our lot in life, other’s behavior, and the curves life has thrown us. Seen in the context we’ve created, we have no control over our lives, no power to change, and sufficient reason to believe that we cannot win.

To further seal the fate we’ve created, we do one final comparison: I shouldn’t feel bad. There are lots of people who have it much worse than I do. We have sealed the deal. Since we have it better than some, and we will always believe we do, we tell ourselves we are winning. Even if we are aware that our bar has become so low that we demean, disgrace, and dishonor ourselves daily, we have created a context in which we can defiantly defend our position and hang onto our fear. On the surface, we may even manage to appear humble and noble. Surely you can see how superior we are to be sacrificing ourselves for the good of the family or the good of the business. Never mind that we’re destroying our relationships with anger or our quality of life with depression.

So what can happen if we use the athletes’ training technique and remove ourselves from the context we’ve created? Let’s say instead of pushing back against the sales manager we believe is limiting us by not giving us leads, we get to work 30 minutes early every day, or only take half of our lunch hour, and use the additional time to research and contact new prospects. Like an athlete in training, we do this every day whether we manage to set an appointment or not. We continue to do it when we are selling very little and when we are selling a lot. We are not swayed into complacency when we get the top salesman award and we are not distracted from our path when we have a slow month. Is it possible that training ourselves to keep forward momentum in good times and bad will lead to greater sales over time? Will it possibly make us feel like we have more control over our work situation? Will it possibly contribute to a calmer and more peaceful work environment when our energy is focussed on moving us forward rather than on angrily fighting an unfair system?

I will argue yes because I’ve been that new sales person more than once – the one that didn’t get an account list to work. Did I have a greater challenge than some of my co-workers? It certainly felt that way, but it also made me feel like I’d really won when I landed a good piece of business. It also gave me the training and confidence to leave my employer and start a business. It kept me going as I ran that business when I couldn’t see where the sales I really needed were going to come from. I just kept working, networking, reaching out, building relationships, and it kept paying off…eventually. It still does. While I no longer own that business, I have banked tons of great resources and goodwill that help me even now. The technique is to stick with my commitments and work toward the goal whether the crowd roars for me or against me.

I have enough perspective to know that I am not well suited to all endeavors, that I will fail and learn from that failure, that down time is critical to prolonged success, and that there will always be room for improvement. I feel happy about all of this because I trust my training and my process. These allow me to remove myself from context that would distract me and stay on course to feel powerful, peaceful, and proud of my progress.

How do you tune out distractions and stay on course?