let it go – in thriver words

Broken bowl? Let it go. I feel bad when I break things. Today, I broke a milk glass antique mixing bowl. It’s not the only mixing bowl I own. I should throw it in the trash without a second thought.

But I can’t – not because it was almost as wide at the bottom as the top and pleasant to use, and not exactly because of the many many apricot cakes I mixed in it when I was small. My association of this bowl with a kitchen long-ago turned into a music room is related to larger memories that took place in that kitchen.

We often make memories in the kitchen. Some are good, all covered in sauce, syrup, and dusted with sugar. Others produce broken glass as a by-product. Good or bad, some events must be processed before we can let them go.

Memories and their emotional aftermath can take time to work through. Sometimes the process moves slowly. Obviously, it makes no sense to hold onto a broken bowl for weeks, months, or years. And yet it can be tempting to clutter our homes with things that no longer serve a purpose.

Items that evoke strong memories may be the hardest to part with. But keeping misshapen, broken, crumbled stuff around can make it harder to let go of the attached emotions.

How can you make it easier to part with things?

Take the pressure off. If you try to muscle yourself into compliance, you may feel overwhelmed and cling even harder. Try placing objects in an appointed place out of sight and leave them for a few weeks or months. You don’t have to decide right this minute.

I use a space in the back of a closet to hold items that are difficult to part with. After a few months, I pull them out and decide whether to throw away, donate, or keep. I’ve been doing this for years and I can only think of two times that I kept something.

Take a photo. I’ve found I don’t always need to hold onto the actual item. What I’m looking for is the feeling I feel when I see it. A photo can generate the same feeling. When it’s time to part with a special possession, I snap a photo and put it in a folder labeled Memories on my computer.

Take your time. This year, I decided to get rid of one thing per day. At the end of the year, I will have gotten rid of at least 365 things. Some days I cover all seven things for a week. Other days, I simply remove a vase or blouse or pair of earrings.

Take it to someone else. If you have a friend or family member who collects Niloak pottery or Culver glassware and you have some you don’t need, gift it. I’ve been served drinks at parties in glasses I previously owned. It always makes me feel good that they’re being used.

Take a moment. When it comes to something broken beyond repair, it makes sense to remove it promptly. While you may not be able to fully process the attached feelings, taking a moment before giving it a toss is a way to honor your need to continue the process. Doing so can help you take the next step.

So, I’m going to throw away the bowl I broke this morning. And I’m going to think of it as a symbol of the broken memories from that kitchen. Then I’m going to let it go and walk away from the trash bin with a smile!

There are some things I’m better off without!

Coulda, Woulda, and Should Have!

How do you know whether to do something about it or let it go? Last week, I saw a news story in which a mother gave her 10-year-old son some sage advice. The son was angry that some graves in the veteran’s cemetery where his grandfather was buried did not have flags on them. After a few hours of listening to him complain, his mom told him simply that he needed to do something about it or let it go.

That’s the best parenting I’ve seen in a long time. It’s also great advice for all of us. Complaining, ranting, and raving on their own just leave us feeling powerless and increasingly angry. Eventually this affects those around us, poisoning our relationships and social interactions. Observing injustice for what it is and bringing it to light are important steps toward facilitating change. Unfortunately, the complaint phase is an easy place to get stuck.

There’s a ton of injustice in the world. There is avoidable tragedy, inexcusable cruelty, disregard for those who are different, deliberate predatory behavior, negligent laziness, and power-grabbing manipulation. That’s a short list. The real list is long, long, long, unending, overwhelming, and impossible for any one of us to fix.

That means we have decisions to make when we feel the crushing effect of personal dismissal or the heartstring pull of another’s adversity. Should we leave the affluent doctor who verbally abuses our children or should we just rant about what a jerk she is and continue to let her support us? Should we continue to give low pricing to the customer who always wants extra thrown in or should we raise the price and risk losing the business? Should we consider adopting a child even though we’re in our 50s? Should we sue our employer who has fired three different employees because they used sick leave to be present after their wife gave birth? Should we buy our 16-year-old a brand new car, or buy a used car and spend the rest of the money to buy a car for a working single mother whose car just died?

Many of these decisions are difficult, multilayered, and complicated. Our decisions will have ripple effects. Of course it’s easier to rant, rave, and complain about injustice than it is to make a deliberate decision to do something or let it go.

But what is it that really stops us? Is it fear, weakness, or the belief that we have no power? Or does that even matter? Does examining, reexamining, and trying to understand ourselves only lead to paralysis?

Can we be better served by practicing the process of making a choice to do something about it or let it go? Or as my grandmother would have said, to “stop stewing in your own juice.” Let’s start with a simple issue and explore what that process would look like.

Scenario 1 (Complain)
I observe that my contractor only shows up 1 out of 3 times that he’s scheduled.
I tell my sister how annoyed I am.
I schedule him again.
He stands me up again.
I more heatedly tell my sister how annoyed I am, then I also tell my neighbor, my uncle, and several other people.
I reschedule the contractor again.
This time, he texts me, but he still doesn’t show.
I call everyone I complained to before and rant this time throwing in a few “why me?” questions like, “Why is it always me who gets stood up?”
I feel angry and powerless.

Scenario 2 (Do something)
I observe that my contractor only shows up 1 out of 3 times that he’s scheduled.
I tell my sister how annoyed I am.

I begin the process of determining whether I will let him go and find someone new, or try to work this problem out with him.
Here’s how that works:
I review why I chose this contractor…
He’s inexpensive, he does quality work, and he’s fast.
I compare him to other contractors I’ve used…
When he shows up, he’s 80% better than 90% of them.

I decide that it is best to do something to try to make this relationship work.

I set boundaries I can feel good about…
One no show with a text is acceptable. A no show without notice or a 2nd no show with or without notice will be grounds for firing him.
I call the contractor to reschedule…
I tell him simply that I like his work, but he needs to show up more consistently or we won’t be able to work together any more. Then I tell him my specific boundaries. I state them in a clear, concise, straightforward, matter-of-fact manner. I do not apologize or pressure.

I schedule him again…
We’ll see what happens. No matter what, I have a plan. I no longer feel angry or helpless. I won’t feel bad if I have to fire the guy because I know I clearly stated my expectations. The decision is now his. If he chooses to show up, he has a job. If he chooses not to, he doesn’t.
I feel relieved.

Scenario 3 (Let it go)
I observe that my contractor only shows up 1 out of 3 times that he’s scheduled.
I tell my sister how annoyed I am.

I decide that it is best to hire someone I can rely on in order to make my deadline.

I let the contractor know that I can no longer work with him on my project because I have a deadline. I move on and hire someone else.
While I will not recommend the fired contractor for deadline projects, I might tell someone to consider him when there’s no deadline. I feel no need to trash him on social media, continue to complain about him to my family, or even think about him again. I just let it go.
I feel relieved.

Obviously, this is a simple scenario I’ve described, but the more I practice the process, the easier it becomes to follow that process even when the relationships are closer and the feelings more complicated. The resulting peace and freedom I feel each time I embrace my power to do something about it or let it go builds my desire and courage to repeat the process.

And that little boy who received the advice from his mother? He chose to do something. He has now placed over 20,000 flags on veteran’s graves. Thanks Preston Sharp for your service, and thanks mom for your wisdom!

See the story here:
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/california-boy-11-becomes-the-pied-piper-of-patriotism/

Tag: let it go

Broken Bowl? Let it Go.

Do Something About It or Let It Go?