Specialized diets are especially prone to holiday cheating. Sometimes that’s because it’s hard to resist the family favorites. But too often, it’s because a restricted person doesn’t have needed support.
Prior to 2020, I viewed this as a problem. I even recognized it was significant, but I failed to understand the depth of the issue. Watching people fail to protect themselves during a pandemic in order to fit in has been an eye-opener.
It’s so easy to brush off someone else’s dietary concerns as imagined or unimportant. It’s tempting to think that just a little bite of a food they cannot eat won’t hurt them. And it requires effort to become informed, provide alternatives, and be thoughtfully inclusive. Better to just make light of their concerns and move on, right?
If you asked that of a Thanksgiving gathering as a direct question, I don’t think anyone would answer, yes. Unfortunately, when the question is unspoken, behavior toward the restricted often indicates a yes. Teasing, pressuring, making rude comments, whispering, eye-rolling or huffing when someone doesn’t take a dish are not supportive behaviors.
I understand that it’s hard to take some people seriously. My mom used to refuse chili at lunch because she was “allergic” to tomatoes and eat pizza with red sauce for dinner. Who can possibly understand that logic? And with some food intolerances, maybe you can have a little without significant damage.
This is not true for people with celiac disease. Even though they won’t die of anaphylactic shock at the table, even a little gluten can cause long-term damage. It is not reasonable to ask someone with celiac disease to just take a little bite simply because the effects are not immediately visible.
It’s also not true for people who are following certain regimens because of drug interactions, chemo, or the possibility of anaphylaxis. Everyone is entitled to privacy regarding their health. A long explanation shouldn’t be required in order for a request to be taken seriously.
Obviously, the primary burden of communicating and adhering to dietary limits falls with the person who has restrictions. It is incumbent on them to communicate clearly and consistently. Without extra effort as host, you can help them not be tempted to cheat this Thanksgiving by:
Welcoming them warmly without judgement. Assume that you don’t know the whole story.
Not treating their restrictions as a burden. Don’t worry about providing alternative food. Answer questions about ingredients graciously or save labels for them to read. Accept that their plate may be sparsely filled.
Helping redirect the conversation. Interject with a quick apology and change of subject when someone else at the table becomes pushy or inquisitive in an unfriendly fashion.
Being willing to learn more. If someone with restrictions is helping you in the kitchen, casually inquire what you would need to do differently for a dish you’re preparing to work for them. The answer could be change the whole thing, but it might be that a simple adjustment would make that dish appropriate for them next year.
Treat them as equal. Just because someone has to eat differently doesn’t mean they are less important, less deserving, or less polite. Support begins with simple gestures like these.
As your knowledge grows, you may want to provide additional layers of care. Or you don’t have to. Most of us are grateful for any level of support that makes it easier to avoid holiday cheating!