Current events constantly remind me of paradox. Each day presents many to consider, but perhaps the most poignant is the only certainty is that nothing is ever certain.
Uncertainty is causing businesses small and large distress. It has increased anxiety among those whose health insurance is provided by Medicaid or subsidized by the ACA. And it contributes to delays in making decisions.
We like to believe that there are constants, things we can count on that will never change. That idea provides a feeling of safety, security, and comfort. But it is mostly an idea or a framework of ideas that we each create. Very little is, in fact, certain.
And while there are a few mostly certain likelihoods – the sun will come up, something will provide shade, it will be dark at night, the weather will change – institutions no longer function as expected, we seem to have less shared values, and our communities are not as cohesive as they once were. All of this can leave us feeling as though we are unmoored, ungrounded, lost at sea.
Life will be easier if we embrace uncertainty as a friend, not a foe. But how can we do that when every day feels dangerous?
Here are a few things that can help:
Accept that we can never know or predict accurately what any given day will bring.
Understand that we can only control ourselves.
Know your value and values.
Set good boundaries.
Develop, review, and revise priorities.
Ask for help when needed.
Absorb accolades and compliments.
Practice gratitude.
Be reliable and faithful to others in the way you desire them to be for you.
Laugh at the absurd.
Laugh at irony.
Cry for your losses.
Grant yourself grace.
Grant others grace.
Hold people accountable.
Pause before posting.
Say no so you can say yes.
Hold your ground and be willing to compromise.
Choose to let go.
Adjusting isn’t losing. Let yourself adjust.
Choose your battles.
Eat well. Sleep enough. Drink lots of water.
Embrace nature.
Make time to do regularly do something you enjoy.
While all of these can help, sitting with fear may be the skill most needed to prevent paralysis from uncertainty. Fear is not permanent. All emotions are fleeting. Some linger for a long time, but all of them come, go, morph, and shift.
The quickest way to diffuse fear is to feel it. Feel it. Sit with it. Stay in that spot until the fear dissipates. It will. And obviously, we’ve encountered another paradox – the quickest way to not feel fear is to quickly let yourself feel fear.
Can we say that uncertainty is a certainty? Of course we can because today is all about paradox.
Just like this pandemic year, many diagnoses come with uncertainty. Truthfully, they all do. Getting comfortable with not knowing can help lead to the healthiest path for dealing with the coming months or a disconcerting diagnosis.
The contrasts of this year seem especially sharp as
Christmas 2020 approaches. The middle road we often cruise has given way to
distinct divisions between comfort and danger. And it feels disconcerting
because many of the holiday traditions in which we usually find comfort are not
currently safe. The pandemic has brought uncertainty we cannot avoid. Too much
has changed too fast.
Under normal conditions, many of us shove uncertainty aside.
We believe we know what each day will hold. We focus on that and tune out
things we don’t expect or don’t want to deal with. We know that there will be
minor mishaps – spills that stain a favorite blouse, flat tires, computer
malfunctions, etc. We limit our expectations to those and move forward. That
works great until an unavoidable life-altering event presents itself.
Big events often mean big decisions. It’s so much easier to
make a decision if the outcome is immediate and known. But that’s not really
how it works in most life-altering situations. Every choice is a gamble.
So how can we stay grounded and trust ourselves to make good enough choices?
It’s important to note that good enough choices aren’t
always perfect choices. We can move toward health by making informed, if
imperfect, choices. When we feel confident in our choices, we lessen the fear
and anxiety created by uncertainty.
Fear triggers the urge to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn or
hey, if things are really bad, all four! Just recognizing this can lessen the
impact of the feelings when they arise. And there are ways to help calm your
lower brain so that you can move in and out of fear deliberately and
effectively.
Here are a few techniques to try:
Grounding – plant your feet firmly on the floor and press as if you’re getting ready for the starting gun of a race. If you still need to calm down, look around the room (leave your feet planted) and count all of the red you see, then green, then black, etc. You can continue by looking for shapes.
Tapping – Memorize a simple sequence of tapping. When you feel distress coming on, tap the sequence until you feel better.
Feeling your body – gently squeeze your arms noting how the skin feels and how the muscles feel beneath your arms. Continue with your legs or feet. Sometimes resting one hand on your chest just below your throat can feel calming. Feeling your body will help bring you into the present moment instead of getting lost in a panic of “what if”.
Breathing – stand in mountain pose and breathe. What I love about this pose is that you can do it anywhere without inviting the stares that downward dog would bring. If you’re at home, try alternate nostril breathing.
Once you develop successful methods to calm yourself, you will
be ready to explore leaning into the feeling of fear. What works best for me is
to allow myself to feel scared and to stay in that feeling as long as I can
stand it. Having done this many times, I know that there will be a point at
which things will shift and I will no longer feel afraid. If I can’t stick with
it that long, I let it go for the moment knowing I can move in and out of fear
as needed.
I don’t try to figure anything out or make any decisions
when I’m leaning into fear. I just feel it and observe how my body responds. I
trust that things will seem more clear once I’ve worked through some of the
fear. When dealt with directly and immediately (or deliberately over a
relatively short period of time), fear doesn’t have a chance to turn into
long-term anxiety. It simply dissipates and goes away.
You can’t expect yourself to work through the fear brought
by a diagnosis while you’re in the doctor’s office. At that moment, or any time
you need to make immediate decisions under duress, I compartmentalize. I
understand that many mental health professionals may not support that idea, but
it works for me. The key is to create time and space soon after to feel my way
through what has happened.
In other words, I compartmentalize temporarily. That gives
me the clarity to proceed to another step of feeling confident in my decisions:
gathering information. I set my feelings aside to ask the doctor as many
questions as I can think of. I also ask the process for submitting questions
that may come up once I’ve processed a bit longer.
Once I leave the doctor’s office, I research my options until
I reach the point that I feel comfortable working with my doctor to devise a
care plan. This sometimes includes getting a second opinion. Having the
knowledge of more than one expert makes me feel more confident moving forward. While
there is no way to know for sure whether we’ll achieve the outcome I desire,
making informed plans builds my confidence and comfort level make uncertainty feel
more tolerable.
Uncertainty can still weigh heavy. That’s when I like to get
outside. Or on days like today, a trip outdoors offers an opportunity to bank
good feelings to pull from when I need them. It’s such a gorgeous day! The work
view I’ve chosen is from the porch overlooking my back yard.
Multiple birds chirp as they shuffle in and out of the
wisteria on the arbor. Crows caw in the distance. Sugar snap peas extend their
small white blossoms above the fence into a net trellis. The sun is full on my
face and I’m comfortable in a light sweater. At sunset, we’ll be able to see
Jupiter and Saturn align into a bright Christmas star. How could anything be
bad?
Of course I’m aware of the perils of delivering gifts to my
friends. Any other year, we’d be sharing food, wine, and laughter along with
our gift bags. This year, we’re navigating quarantine just to get them to each
other’s porches.
But while I sit under a brilliant blue sky, I don’t have to
think about that. I can simply soak in the sun, the sounds, and the smell of
BBQ when the breeze shifts just so. The smell of smoke from that nearby BBQ pit
is a peril in itself. Live here long, and you’ll crave barbecue for breakfast.
As we move through stunted holiday celebrations into more months of pandemic uncertainty, some of us will receive unwanted diagnoses with the potential to increase anxiety. Having tools to reduce discomfort can mean better decision making and more peace of mind.
That’s my wish for all of us through the holidays…peace of mind and spirit!
