Archive for November, 2012

November 23, 2012

Travel Tip #4 – Just get out there and do it!

Getting out of your house and away from your normal routine is a great way to help shift your focus. It’s hard to worry about the dust under your bed when you’re looking up at a glistening waterfall seeing and hearing the power of the rushing water. The uncertainty of a pending sale disappears when you get lost in the beauty of an artistic masterpiece in a museum. A stack of laundry awaiting you in your utility room is quickly forgotten amidst the splendor of colorful autumn leaves. Spotting unexpected flowers growing from a log can absorb your attention, pulling your thoughts to the present moment away from any worry about something that may or may not happen.

museum

The knowledge that a change of scenery can create a break in your thought patterns can be a useful tool when you’re feeling uncertain of your ability to make a big life change. Whenever you notice that your thoughts are circling around and around your fear of change, take a trip and refocus.

autumn leaves

If you don’t have the time or money to plan and travel a long distance, recognize the treasures that are around you. Walk to a historic cemetery and photograph interesting memorials; go to a neighborhood park with swings and swing as high as you can; attend a free lecture at a nearby college on a subject about which you know nothing; visit a botanic garden or just walk through a local nursery and note which brightly colored flowers beckon.

Externally expanding your horizons on a regular basis will help you build the confidence to expand your internal horizons. Recognizing the unexpected beauty in your external surroundings can spark a recognition of the possibility that there may be unexpected beauty within yourself. Perhaps all you need in order to see it is a shift in focus.

Where you travel and what you do are not nearly as important as the opportunities created by doing something different, so allow yourself to get out there and have a great experience!

 

 

November 21, 2012

Ten Steps to Becoming a Gracious Gluten-Free Guest on Thanksgiving

The Thanksgiving holiday can present unique dilemmas for the gluten-free because its primary activities center around food. Many of you will soon be a guest at the table of a friend, relative, co-worker, or in-law who you may not know well and who is not aware of your gluten-free lifestyle. Some of you will be asked to attend a gathering in the home of a close relative who believes you are simply following a fad.

If you are feeling uneasy about the possibilities, you may be wondering: Should I politely decline and stay home? Should I not worry about eating gluten just for this one day? Should I suggest everyone change their plans and come to my house? Should I just eat in advance and pretend to eat along with everyone else? Is there a way to be a gracious guest and avoid eating gluten?

While each situation is unique, following these five guidelines will allow you to remain gluten-free and help make the day go smoothly:

1)Before agreeing to any invitations, take time to sit still and make a list of things for which you are grateful. The list doesn’t have to be lengthy – 5-10 things would be ideal. This will set the stage for you to let your best self step forward. Having trouble getting started? Perhaps an example from my list will help…Today, I am grateful for: Really good coffee; the unseasonably warm weather we’re having that means my utility bills will be lower; spicy foods that make my nose run; the generosity of a friend who is providing me a free airplane ticket for a visit next week; my son for removing my security door to rescue the keys I couldn’t get to so that I can use my front door again (yes, I managed to lock the keys in between the inner and outer door and then jam the lock so that I couldn’t get to them from the inside or the outside without removing the door); I am safe and my neighbors are safe even though we heard a gun battle outside Monday night; the one remaining teeny tiny tomato on my vine that I can’t wait to eat. Your list can include anything and you can add to it all day long if you feel so inspired.

2)Once you have set the stage, think about your boundaries and intentions for this holiday. One of your boundaries can be to avoid all gluten. One can be to remove yourself from the room if you feel you are being treated with disrespect. One of your intentions can be to receive with joy. One intention may be to give your children an opportunity to spend time with extended family. One can be to attend your grandmother’s dinner because you appreciate the affection she shows you. One of your intentions can be to be respectful of the host and other guests. Another intention might be to stay present in the moment and feel how you feel without attaching meaning from the past or from how you felt at another occasion with the same participants.

Setting clear boundaries first will allow you a safe space in which to stand as you follow your intentions. Good boundaries allow us to begin to release ourselves from the confines of our defense mechanisms and old patterns of behavior. Good boundaries are especially important when we relate to family since many of our defenses originate during time spent with family. As we begin to trust and feel safe in the space good boundaries create, we will increasingly be able to feel our emotions in a clear manner. Starting from this point allows us the best opportunity to remain true to our intentions.

If you come from a difficult family that does not respect boundaries, it is perfectly okay to politely, without blame and without a false excuse, decline an invitation. Before you choose to do so, please make sure you are prepared to accept responsibility for any unintended consequences. This does not mean you have to join in any resulting drama or feel responsible for other’s hurt feelings or bad behavior. I am simply reminding you that it will not be a gracious act to decline an invitation and then throw blame back in the host’s face if they happen to take offense even if the words you’re saying may feel true. It is okay to calmly, quietly, and confidently honor yourself, your boundaries, and your health.

Keeping your boundaries intact and your intentions in mind will help you feel more confident and centered which in turn will allow you to be your most kind and loving self. You do not have to pretend. You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to fit someone else’s picture of how you should be or what you should do.

3)Communicate directly with the host as soon as you accept an invitation. Let them know you appreciate being included and cannot wait to spend time with them, then mention that you must follow a gluten-free lifestyle which means consuming even a tiny amount of gluten is harmful to your health. If you can have this conversation in person or on the phone, it will be easiest to express this firmly, but softly. Once you have communicated this information, listen carefully to the response because this will be your best guide as to what to do next. Keep your boundaries intact, your intentions in mind, and your guard down as much as possible. The rest of the conversation can be a friendly negotiation of the details. Listening carefully to your host will give you clues on what to offer and how best to accommodate both of your needs.

4)As you negotiate the details, let go of any unspoken expectations you may have regarding the holiday. For instance, you may secretly expect your host to offer to fix you gluten-free alternatives. If they do not offer to do so, you may be tempted to believe that they do not love you. Whether this person does or does not love you cannot be determined by whether they feel able to provide such an alternative for you when they have already taken on the work involved in hosting the event. For this moment, see if you can allow for the possibility that they are doing all they can do.

If the host shares with you that they have no idea what gluten-free means, and that they don’t really feel like they can add anything to their to-do list, do not immediately assume that they mean this as a personal affront. If you feel tempted to boycott the event because of such a statement, please take a moment to consider that there are other options. As you consider these options, ask yourself if it is possible that your host is simply sharing their truth. Is it possible that they may even feel badly that they cannot provide what you need while still taking care of themselves? Review your boundaries and intentions to see if you are responding in a manner consistent with your intentions while maintaining your boundaries. If not, explore the ways to shift your position in the negotiation to better align your choices with your intentions.

5)When you are shifting your thinking or behavior, do not expect yourself to be perfect. This process can feel very messy. Think of it like a child experimenting with finger paints – messy is a creative expression and that is good! Allow yourself to experience new insight, awareness, and emotion without judging or automatically accepting other’s judgment of what you should do or how you should do it. Understand that you are valuable, lovable, worthy, wanted and deserve to hold your space in the world. From this position, be kind to yourself. Resist the temptation to compare yourself to others, and allow compassion to guide you.

Now that you have set the stage, it is time to explore some specific options you may want to address during your negotiation.

6)Graciously furnish your host with all the information they request regarding the preparation of gluten-free food. This may require quite a bit of time and investment, but it is time and investment that will pay off for you in the long run. If in the process you notice they are overwhelmed, it may be time to let them off the hook by letting them know how much you appreciate the consideration and how you will not feel left-out in the least if they do not prepare anything special for you. Ask if they would mind you bringing a few things to supplement your meal.

7)Instead of just offering to bring food for you, ask if your host would prefer for you to bring a gluten-free side dish or dessert to share with everyone. You can make this yourself, purchase it from the frozen section of a local health food store, or purchase it from a local gluten-free bakery.

8)If the conversation leads you to believe that much of the menu will be safe for you, ask your host if they would mind keeping the packages from any food they’re going to serve in a separate trash bag so that you can read the labels before dinner? Tell them you’d also like to take a peak at any recipes they’re using so you can choose items that are safe. You can do the review on Thanksgiving Day. Just make sure you have some sort of back-up food handy if there are no gluten-free options. If this is a problem for your host, then let them know that’s okay and revise your plan.

9)If your host is a confident cook and wants to make the whole meal gluten-free just for fun, you can offer your gluten-free recipes for family favorites. You may want to offer to provide come over a day or two in advance help bake. You can bring along any hard-to-find ingredients that you have in pantry and offer tips on adapting favorite family recipes. Time in the kitchen before a crowd arrives can be a great time to connect and share about anything that’s going on in your lives.

10)When dealing with a difficult host, use your best judgment. If you feel the best option is to eat in advance and only eat salad, then do that with the least fanfare possible.

Throughout these transactions, please keep in mind that the thing of overriding importance for the holiday is not the food itself but the opportunity to honor each other’s needs and leave the door open for connection. It is, after all, the connection that we crave most from our families.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

 

 

 

November 17, 2012

Five Simple Ways to Host the Gluten-Free for Thanksgiving

green_bean_casserole

Green Bean Casserole

parsnip_pie

Parsnip Pie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today I want to talk to you moms, dads, grandmas, brothers, sisters, aunts, in-laws and friends who will be hosting someone gluten-free at your Thanksgiving dinner. First of all, thank you in advance for all your planning, hard work, and generosity in welcoming friends and family into your home.

I know many of you have demanding jobs and numerous obligations, so when you get that call, email, or text announcing that your nephew has to be gluten free, your first thought may be, well phooey, I don’t need anything else to think about. If that’s your first response, that’s okay. If that’s your final response, it’s still okay.

Seriously, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you saying something like, “I’m so glad you’re going to join us and of course I want Bobby to be healthy. I have no idea what gluten-free means, and I don’t really feel like I can add anything to my list right now. Would you mind bringing his food with you, or can I email you my recipes to review so you’ll know what he’ll be able to eat and then you can fill in any gaps? I really appreciate it. I have as much on my plate as I can handle.”

Even if part of your family grumbles, it is better to politely refuse to do something that will overtax you than it is to force yourself to comply and then feel annoyance or resentment which will keep you from connecting with your loved ones. If Bobby’s parents decide to boycott and complain to the rest of the family, it is still okay to take care of yourself. Don’t worry; I have plenty to say to the boycotters as well.  It will just be in a separate post.

When families get together there is great opportunity to replay old dysfunctional patterns. You may be tempted to engage in those patterns and in the process allow a gluten-free way of living to become the battleground. Resisting this temptation is a way for you to support a relative who may be struggling to remain compliant himself. While I can assure you from personal experience that many health issues can be resolved with a gluten-free way of living, or I can assure you that recent scientific studies(1) show that gluten is damaging to a larger portion of the population than previously believed, you may still feel skeptical or believe that gluten-free diets are a fad.

If you’re skeptical, that’s okay. If you think gluten-free diets are silly, that’s okay. You do not have to agree with the lifestyle. In fact, let’s say you don’t agree. I will still ask you to honor any gluten-free requests you receive. This is a loving act that shows you care. The exciting part is that you can honor such a request without changing your meal plan, your shopping list, or becoming a gluten-free expert.

Now that you know it’s okay not to add unnecessary pressure to yourself, here are five simple ways to accommodate your gluten-free guests: 

1)As the host, one of the most important things you can provide a gluten-free guest is ingredient information. Allowing your guest to review the ingredients shows your concern and relieves you of the duty of determining whether a dish is gluten-free. If you cook from recipes, place a post-it flag in your cookbook, leave your index card out, or have your stack of printouts handy when the gluten-free guest arrives. If you use items that are from a box, can, mix, or frozen package, place the empty containers in a plastic bag away from other trash so that your gluten-free loved one can review the labels before heading to the dining room.

2)Once they’ve reviewed ingredients and made the choices they feel are safe, you can honor the gluten-free by resisting the temptation to encourage them to have just a taste of your cherry pie, a small serving of stuffing because it’s mostly cornbread, or to scrape the gravy off the turkey and eat it anyway. They will not starve even if salad is the only thing on their plate. It can be helpful to recognize that a polite refusal of some items on the table is not intended as an affront to your cooking or you. It is simply a requirement for your guest to remain healthy. Don’t worry if someone else at the table dishes out advice. Allow the gluten-free to handle such advice in a gracious manner. If they should fail to remain respectful or gracious and instead become rude and demanding, it is appropriate to step in and mediate. Keeping a sense of humor about any inadvertent misunderstandings can have a hugely positive effect on all the parties involved.

3)Encourage the gluten-free guest to bring a gluten-free side dish or dessert to share with everyone. Hey, what’s wrong with allowing them to bring as much as they’re willing to contribute? It will take some of the burden off of you and give you something new to try. The result may be surprisingly good.

4)Stop by your local gluten-free bakery and grab some stuffing, or dinner rolls, or a pumpkin pie. You need not have a gluten-free substitute for every single item you’re serving. One special item will do. This gesture shows your thoughtfulness and will be greatly appreciated.

5)If your family loves adventure and you have plenty of time and energy, feel free to adapt your family favorites using all gluten-free ingredients. Avoid including anything made from wheat, rye, barley, malt, or oats. Some of the most common problem items are: bread, breading, bread crumbs, batters, crusts, pasta, sauces and gravies thickened with flour or a roux, soy sauce, beer, beer batter, cornbread (with flour), and food starch (unless it’s made from corn.)  You may want to invite the gluten-free participant to provide the recipes or to come over a day or two in advance and help you bake. They can bring along any hard-to-find ingredients you may need from their pantry and give you some tips on adapting your recipes. Time in the kitchen before a crowd arrives can be a great time to connect and share about anything that’s going on in your lives.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the thing of overriding importance when hosting gluten-free friends and relatives is not the food itself, but the opportunity to honor each other’s needs and leave the door open for connection. It is, after all, the connection that we crave from family even when we call it Aunt Opal’s cherry pie.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Cheri

 

 

(1)http://www.celiac.com/categories/Celiac-Disease-%26-Gluten-Intolerance-Research/

November 14, 2012

Travel Tip #3 – Gently Prepare Your Host in Advance

When traveling to see friends or relatives with whom you only occasionally visit, prepare them in advance for your gluten-free way of living. It is best not to assume that they will remember your eating plan just because you told them last time they saw you…and the time before…and the time before.

If your loved ones do not remember that you are gluten-free, please try not to take it as a slight or an insult. A failure to focus on this detail of your life does not automatically mean they don’t care about you. It just means that your dietary concerns are not one of the things they must remember in order to navigate everyday life so it is natural to forget over time. When you think about it, they probably don’t remember your shoe size, your favorite book of all time, your junior high boyfriend’s name, the color of your first car, or the Pythagorean theorem either. Before you are tempted to add that as fuel to a they-don’t-care-about-me fire, take a moment to note that you probably don’t remember that Aunt Sue had gout when she was 50, or Uncle Bill drinks a coke at exactly 10 am every morning, or that your cousin Carol hates to eat any sort of fish prepared in any sort of manner. You know this doesn’t mean you don’t care about them. This kind of forgetting is natural.

Your announcement or reminder of your gluten-free status can be part of the natural flow of trip planning. As you discuss logistics for airport pick-ups, sleeping arrangements, theatre tickets, amusement park visits, and the like, include a simple statement in an email that says: By the way, I have to follow a gluten-free eating plan. That means I won’t be able to consume any food that contains wheat, rye, barley, malt, or oats.  Once we arrive, I can make a quick trip to the store to pick up a few items that will fit in with the menu you already have planned. Also, don’t worry, I can usually find a suitable choice at any restaurant we visit. In the rare instance this is not the case, I always have a backup plan so it won’t be an issue. I just want you to know in advance why I’m skipping the pancakes at breakfast. I’m so looking forward to having this time together.

If your host then expresses an interest in learning more, use the opportunity to give him/her the specifics needed to make the trip go smoothly. Let kindness and consideration be your guide as you determine the easiest way to maintain compliance while allowing the host to feel good about accommodating you. Make simplicity a priority so that extra work is kept to a minimum. This can be a delicate dance. Remember to express your gratitude for each special accommodation along the way.

Sometimes you may be met with resistance. That does not mean you’re doing anything wrong, so do not let this deter you from following your plan. In this instance, do not expect or push for accommodation. Take the initiative to purchase and prepare items that meet your needs. If there is a notoriously difficult personality involved, you may need to leave the premises, eat compliant food, and then return to snack on a salad or some vegetables at mealtime. Nothing can be gained in a tug-of-war over whether your gluten-free regimen is necessary. You do not need to change this person’s mind. All you need to do is remain compliant with your plan and take care of yourself.

When traveling a relatively short distance by car, you may want to pack a basket full of gluten-free treats to share. Including others in your world allows them to feel more kinship with you and can serve to lessen their fear of embracing a different way of eating.

Preparing your host in advance communicates that you value them as an ally in your quest to be healthy. It shows respect by giving them time to adjust shopping lists and meal plans if they so choose, and it establishes in advance that you will be politely refusing to eat a piece of cake, no matter how moist, chocolaty, and deliciously homemade it may be.